Five Years Ago Today

Five years ago today I was on my way home for an adventure. I was halfway-ish between Wyoming and South Carolina, at a friends home in Kentucky. I had two days until my first wild flight, and the beginning of my first "real" adventure.

Two days later, on the 19th of December, 2005, I took off from Charleston. I spent the night riding the elevated trains in Chicago with the bums, before grabbing a spot at the booking computer in the lobby of the airport Hilton to book myself a spot to sleep the next night.

Five years ago I was wimpy, and scared, and more alive than I'd ever been before. I had almost total strangers telling me what a "ballsy" chick I was, how brave I must be, How they had AIDS in Africa, and I should be careful.

Five years ago I was planning to climb Kilimanjaro. I was going to see Cairo. I was spending a month in Africa, then three weeks at home, then moving *around the world* to chase my dream.

I didn't climb to the top of Kilimanjaro, but it didn't matter. I got extra sleep. I saw Lions and cheetah, and a leopard. Baboons went at it with wild abandon by the side of the road at the entrance to the Ngorongoro Crater. An elephant walked through our camp. We drank beer and roasted bananas, and laughed. I caught Malaria.

I like who I was five years ago. I was proud of that girl. She may have scammed her way into school, but *that* girl, she was going to do well, and ace everything, and live her dreams.

I'm not quite sure where she went. I haven't seen her in probably four and a half years. Back there somewhere, in the last 4 years or so, I let my dreams die. I let them get crushed under reality, and student loans, and debt. Maybe I never was that girl.

I was proud of that girl. I was proud to be her. And if maybe she was a little standoffish, and maybe she hadn't done the *whole* travel the world backpacking thing, I still think she could have been a backpacker.

I think, really, since I came back, I've just been existing. I don't really know what I want. I killed the dream I'd chased for years, probably half or more of my life. RAID kills bugs, I kill dreams.

I don't know really what I want to do with the rest of my life. I just know who I want to be. I want to be that girl who chases her dreams, striking high-fashion poses covered in grime. I want to be proud of me again.

Money Fail

Money for me is kinda a huge vat of fail for now. I'm going to drop this blog for the rest of the year.

I'm mostly glossing over this place now, so it's really no good for anyone.

I'll be back eventually, when I figure out what's up, and where I'm going. Right now, tho- still just "I has no dollars, I owe lots of dollars, life sucks".

No Fun.

Anyway, yeah...

Monday Update and Fast Forward on 2011 Plans

I said I'd get back later, and here I am.

I called the cops on RM1 last night. There has been something building here (with a minor) and while I could ignore it and stay where I am until the end of the lease, I couldn't have ignored it. I'd rather be the bitch that called the cops then the blind fool who let some guy do stuff he shouldn't have. I'd rather be wrong (or too early) calling the cops, then right and ignoring it.

What that means, though, is that I now have a *very* uncomfortable living situation. Even if RM1 doesn't know who made the call yet, he will eventually figure it out. So I'm gone from here at the end of the year.

What that means in real words is that I need to figure out what I'm doing next year- and *next month* now.

I still have really no idea. I can probably sell about 1/2 my crap for cash, and that's something. I can build my internet stuff as fast as possible. I can write articles as fast as I know how.

I still need to know where I'll be on January 5. Where I'm going from there. When I'm moving on, and what I'm doing next year.

My options have been:

1. Go to Mexico, write, maybe teach english.
2. Hike from Georgia to Maine.

The first would mean (probably) leaching off someone for about a month. The second can't really start until the middle of March at the earliest. Which means 2 months or more staying with family. Not cool.

Well, it *could* start earlier, but difficulty, danger, and expense all go up if I start before the middle of March. Everything with that hike gets easier the closer to April I start. I can start earlier by starting farther south, and working my way up to the "official" starting point, but that also adds cost.

Up-front costs for the two are about the same, with hiking being (maybe) a bit cheaper. Family is *probably* a little more comfortable with the idea of me in the US. But there's no real way to earn money actively while hiking, so any money I need I'll either have to already have, or have some way of earning without direct work.

What it really comes down to is that I have one month (instead of two) to build a $500 a month income stream, *and* to earn enough cash to move/ buy what I need. Which is pretty crazy. All while avoiding RM1 and his mother.

I can haz stress?

Life Math and a Short Delay

I need to work some stuff out. Things are happening at home and whatnot that I need to figure out before I can say what I'm doing.

And I need to know what I'm doing before I know what the money really looks like.

So I'll be back later today, hopefully, when I have things set up a bit better. Or at least thought through a bit better.

How My Slacker Attitude is Helping Me Get Stuff Done

Right now I am (still) trying to figure out what I'm doing next year. Am I wandering off into the wilds of Mexico and Central America, or am I going for a really long walk?

I've pretty much slacked this whole year. I'll admit it. I quit my job back in January, and until about two weeks ago had earned maybe $300. All Year.

So I know what doing nothing at all and feeling bad about it looks and feels like. I know what sort of things make me less likely to do something. I know what makes me *more* likely to do something. I also know the idea of daily production at a set rate gives me brain-hives.

As much as writing short articles for $3 each works for other people, and as much as I wish I could pay all my bills writing easy articles forever, I have to accept that I'm just not interested in writing 5000 words a day on office chairs. It's something I've been looking at for a while now, but I've reached the "Start making things happen now, or be stuck here another year" point.

So what have I done? I've:

• signed up at Commission Junction, so when I get my "real" site built I can put something on it. 
• Changed around my other blog, dropping the advertising network I've been using
• worked out an upfront to residual balance that works for me- every article I write for upfront pay, I write one for myself to toss up on hubpages or ezine arts, or my own webpage
• made lists of upfront costs, and what I need to do each of my two surviving plans for next year (bare-bones-style)
• written most of a halfway decent first chapter (longhand), and mentally mapped out where I want those characters to go.
• sketched out three or four new book ideas as they wandered past
• re-set my goals to match what I *really* want and can get now.

Most of that happened since Thanksgiving, so in about a week. Compared to what I've done over the last month, it's really pretty good. I'm also trying not to think about what I *should* be doing. I'm working on setting an alarm, and just doing what I said I'd do for that couple hours. 

Oh, and I've given myself permission to stop writing articles for upfront pay when I have enough to cover the month. So I don't have an endless stretch of 3 dollar SEO articles reaching out before me. As soon as I can pay the rent, put food in my stomach and gas in my car (with some for the tax man, of course), I can stop.

Makes writing them so much easier. Now instead of "Just three more and I don't have to write anymore today" it's "just $30 more and I can stop writing these things for the month." Remarkably motivating.

Which leaves me with my choice for next year. Do I "move" to Mexico, or walk from Georgia to Maine? Mexico will (probably) always be there and it's been on my list for about 10 years. The hiking trip's been on my list (way up near the top) since I was probably 14, so over half my life now. It will, of course, also be there later. But will I be interested in taking the time to do it later?

Either way, I need about $500 a month coming in without any real direct work from me. And *that's* what's really motivating me right now. Back to work time.

Slacking And The "Real" Job

I might have mentioned last week that this outside the house job is killing my energy. I think I mentioned that I was getting none of my own work done.

It also made me sick, but I guess that happens when you touch money and/or things touched by germy other people all day.

I'm taking today to work for myself, though. In a 10 hour day working for tarjay I'd make $75. If I can make $60 today, I'll consider it win, and quit my outside job.

I think, not working for so long, and having so long when I didn't have to(savings) followed by so long when I just didn't (thanks dad, really), I forgot just how much I hate working for other people. How even though $7.50 an hour would pay the bills, it's less than I can make working for myself. How even writing the worst, spammiest, most unpleasant article is better than working for someone else.

Simply because if it's going bad, or I'm sick of it, or there's something I'd rather be doing, I can drop it and come back (or not) when I want.

Don't want to write articles about stainless steel countertops at textbroker? I don't have to. I can write about something random and put it up on CC or hubpages, or someplace else. I can put it off until late at night, or I can go for a walk in the neighborhood, then come back to it when my brain is working again.

Working for someone else, not so much. Don't want to re-fold infant clothes? Too bad, do it or leave. Don't want to stand for 8 hours, smiling at angry people? Too bad, they've bought your time.

So yeah, I made about $300 at that dayjob. It sucked the work right out of me, though. I bet I can make just as much working at home. I bet I can even enjoy it more. I just needed to be reminded how much it sucks.

Work and Work

I do two kinds of work. One *can* pay crap, and is part of a kinda floaty long term plan. The other *only* pays crap and is over in January.

Yesterday I was supposed to do the first type. I had it all planned out- after 8 or so hours of goofing off and relaxing, I was going to do this work that'll pay off later.

Then I made the mistake of answering the phone.

I guess it's been too long since I worked in a "real" outside the house job. This time last year I knew better than to answer the phone on my "day off". Yesterday, though? Ha.

So I went to the place where I'm working temporarily and stayed there from 4 until 11. That whole time I stood at a register, then tidied the store. While my check will be kinda nicer, it means I didn't get to do any of the things I needed/ planned to yesterday. Things like:

• write articles for up-front pay
• write articles for my own sites
• write articles for places that do revenue share like HubPages
• Do laundry
• get my food made up for this week
• relax
• catch up on NaNoWriMo
• get some work done on my blog that *really really* needs to be done
• buy groceries

Instead all I did was earn $42, give or take $3. I'd have been much better off, crazy as it sounds, staying home. Now I have to find some way to fit all that stuff that I didn't do yesterday into a schedule that's already taking over my life. Oh, and I need to cancel an appointment, because "work" can't/ won't reschedule me around it. Even though they knew about it *at the interview.*

Soooo not interested in this work thing. really, Not. Oh, yeah, and being around all those strange people and little screaming kids, I'm getting a cold. Extra Pleh.

Busy

Really. Post Monday.

For Now I (conditionally) Have a Job

A local retail store (not Walmart) is hiring for x-mas, and some other spots, too. I applied, figureing it couldn't pay *that* badly, right?

So, yeah, after about 1.5 hours of interviewing, I got my offer.

$7.50 an hour, if I don't fail my drug test.

Since I don't take drugs, I've almost definitely got a job. That pays $7.50 an hour. Mom says be happy, it's more than you make writing articles. But ugh. *and* I have to pee in a cup.

Otherwise, I don't know how many hours I'll be working, if it's part or full-time, if it's seasonal or permanent, what kind of hours I'll be working, what department I'll be working in, or even where employees park.

Worst case, it's permanent, I work until the day (or week) before I leave the country, and call it good. Best case, I work an insane number of hours for the next 6 weeks, still manage to get my writing and web stuff done, and don't fall behind.

At least I'll be getting out of the house?

Seriously, though? Pee in a cup for $7.50 an hour? I'd expect it for $20 an hour, or something where you might actually risk harming yourself or others, but... How on earth do stoners find work, if even the crappiest of the crap jobs require drug tests.... They can't *all* be cooks and dishwashers, can they???

Post After Noon

When I know for sure what the money stuff looks like this week

I Have Some Motivation, Kinda

Some famous guy, somewhere in the past (I think it was a writer) once said something like "the trick to getting things done is to have something you want to procrastinate on *more* than the thing you need to get done." Give or take.

I've found that thing. Well, ok, I've found dozens of those things, and dozens of things to do instead of them. Really, though, I've gone and done something so terrifying that I now *have to* do something.

I made a twitter account for the website I haven't actually built yet. And then I followed people with it. And it points people to the website. The not-yet-up website...

Um, yeah.

So now I *really really* have to get the website going. And you know what? I did a bit of work on it. Not much, but some. I see where I could go with it, what directions I can (maybe) take it. And I now risk people showing up at my empty, not yet search engine-listed website.

Which makes that now the biggest scariest thing in my entire list of stuff I have to get done. I promptly started thinking about story ideas, and will now probably be writing all day. Not what I *need* to be doing- I need to be making money. Closer, though, and better than watching tv or playing games.

Other than writing for NaNoWriMo, all the writing I have to do/ can do is internet content. Most of that pays crap. The content for my website will pay all of nothing until I get traffic and advertising, and who knows what else (i actually do know, really, just not getting into it now). Hopefully, though, I can switch between these terrifying things enough to get a bunch of work done on each of them. Heck, I wrote a bunch of articles earlier this week for $2 each. I can write articles for nothing.

In other news, operation "find a temporary, craptastic seasonal job" seems to have hit a wall. Again. If I weren't the "fall off the ladder" type I'd put an ad in Craigslist offering to help put up lights. But yeah, I'd fall off, break something important, and be worse off than I am now. Meh.

No update today

Just work.

Making Money is Hard Work!

I have some semi-automated blogs. I toss them up a couple at a time, spending maybe 1/2 hour each to get them up and running. Really not bad.

Then I have to go back a month or so later and add advertising, affiliate links, and random other links.

Holy Crap, that takes time. Even just using Amazon I'm spending closer to an hour each to add these links and whatnot. Hopefully it'll make some money eventually. I might just add adsense to a couple of them to save time.

Still, serious time.

Then there's writing for TextBroker. At a penny a word, it takes pretty serious output to manage even minimum wage each hour. And when the only subjects are really dull, or really nit-picky, or just things I don't know anything about yet, the time per article goes way up. Don't even get me started on people looking for too much in exchange for a $3 article.

I'm still too wimpy and haven't managed to submit an article to Constant Content. Super wimpy, really silly, and a bad business decision, too. Writing articles for a penny a word is just plain stupid when you can write them for 5 or more cents per word. It's crazy.

I found a few other places pick up content work, and while one or two are similarly crappy (pay-wise) to TB, a couple may be a bit better. I'm checking them out now. Just need to finish the application. Still, if it works out (and they accept my app and let me work, and rank me higher than the very lowest) I could write those same 300 word articles and walk away with 5 or 9 dollars each. Same work, more money sounds like win to me.

Don't even get me started on the website I've been half-assedly working on since May. Not enough done yet to open it up, and I've been "starting" it for 6 months.

Finally, at the end of this month I'm * definitely* changing around the advertising on my other "real" blog. I want to use something that allows more flexibility for me, doesn't limit me as much in what I can post or how much, or when. Also thinking about (but who knows if it will materialize) moving things around there to put information stuff (like recipes, or easy substitutions) in easier to find/ central locations. I'm thinking about adding a "donate" button, but I want to feel like I'm providing more value than just entertainment before trying it. Also, I don't want my readers to feel like I'm using them to make money, or pushing things on them.

So, That's what the money thing looks like right now.

Jobs and Goals

Well, I earned enough for a payout this week, at least.

I've been really bad about actually writing articles. It's strange, because when I find one that I can easily write I sometimes still procrastinate until I haven't got enough time to write. It's not so good for the budget. Not that really anything I do is, but still.

So with my lack of production (and don't even ask about NaNoWriMo- when I finish this I'm swapping computers in hoes of actually getting *something* done) I've come to accept that I have, maybe, 2 options.

I can actually write.

I can get a job.

There's this in between option, as well, which is writing *while* having a job, but who knows how that would turn out.

So, in an effort to motivate myself (electric shock-style) I've put in a couple applications for seasonal retail work. Applying doesn't mean I have to take a job, and it also doesn't mean I *don't* have to. It just means that I might end up working somewhere other than right here in my warm little writing nest.

Of course, I then looked up how much I was likely to make per hour at each of those places I applied.

It's *maybe* $300 a week. Working full time. 

If I'm thinking about torturing myself for 8 hours (or more) a day in exchange for $300 a week, I should do it at home. Here I get to eat when I want, go outside when I want, drink soda all day and loaf about in my pj's. I only have to deal with people I want to deal with. And I can go off on angry rants without losing my "job".

'Cause the only people here in my writing room are, well... it's just me.

I bet I could make $300 a week writing articles. You know, if I *really* wanted to. Probably do it faster if I'd just try to sell them someplace that pays better than $0.01 a word, but whatever.

In better news, the child-style star goal/ chore chart thing is working out pretty well. even though the only things I've got gold stars in are napping, having fun, and posting blogs on time. But I've gone from a low of 3 goal areas with anything in them other than FAIL to four, five, or six stars a day. Yesterday I got 5. Would have been 6, but that fiction writing thing never happened. 

So, yeah, more is getting done, now to earn enough that I can get away with not taking a "real" job, even just for the holidays.

Money Disconnect

not mine, this time, but that of RM#3.

RM3 decided that she wants to be a medical biller and/ or coder when she grows up. this is something that is offered at the local community college. The local *lottery funded* community college. At which *all residents* are eligible for almost full tuition grants from the lotto fund.

So she could go there, get the certificate to start working (if she could find a job) and keep working until she had her associates degree- for a little more than the price of books.

Is that where she wants to go?

Nope. She wants to go to the U of Phoenix online. For something like 30k.

Now, this is a job that *maybe* pays 30k a year. The entry point is a certificate. she wants to pay 30k (or rather, wants her parents to pay) for something she could do for, oh, about $1500.

Now, I might not be a bright shining beacon of fiscal responsibility, but even i can see that there's something wrong with her thinking. And not just the bit where she thinks going to school online is *better* ot that U of P is somehow better than the local CC.

It's the bit where there's a program *she can get into* that costs *something like 5%* of what the one she wants does, and she won't even consider it. To the point of screaming and throwing things.

Now, yes, me moving halfway around the planet to flunk out of a program that (can) make people into Vets in 5 years was stupid. I have the study skills of a drunk chimpanzee. And if there was/ is another program that would have taken *me* for the same price or less, I'd have moved my pale scrawny butt there instead.

I went to the *least expensive* option open to me. Crazy, but true. Then I forked it up, but that's not the point.

RM#3 threw a fit because her parents said that if she wanted to go to the place that costs *20x* more, she'd have to pay for it herself. Dude, if I have a choice of mediocre product for $10 and mediocre product for $200, my ass is *so* in the $10 line.

WTF.

srsly. For 30k she could go to a *real* school.. with, you know, classrooms, and stuff. Heck, she could get her whole forking bachelor's at College of Charleston for that much, including living expenses *and* beer.

Then again, I moved to Wyoming because it had the second least expensive out of state tuition in the country and my parents wouldn't pay my tuition if I went to alaska instead, so what do i know...

November! Goals, Needs, Crazynesses

Even on time for once.

I promised a certain money-lending parent type that if I wasn't making $25 a day by the 5th I'd begin looking for an "outside the house" job. So I need to make the dollars. And, of course, any day the total drops below $25 or the average for the days running up *to* that short day is under $25, I'll need to do the job-for-looking thing. Which I hate with a foul passion.

I also want (need?) to actually *win* NaNo this year. I like the idea of actually *finishing* something that big. Even if it *is* just 1667 words a day.

And (it's on my list/ sticker chart) I want/ eed to start writing the articles for the site that pays better. Even though I'm pretty much convinced they'll suck. Even though I'm scared. It just makes no sense at all to spend 30 or 40 minutes writing a crap 300 word article for $3 when I could spend 1.5 hours writing a *good* 300 word article for $20.

Hmmm. What else, what else...

My car needs an oil change. I suspect it's getting to the desperate point by ow, so that's on the "must have money for" list. My friendly friends at Sallie Mae are getting pretty sternly worded in their requests for money, so I need to get something to them soon. Or soon-ish, at least.

Oh, and I've begun scaling down my list of wants/ needs for this move-out of the country, start traveling the world thing I'm planning. To do it the way I want I'd need about $2000 before I go, plus a steady income of at least $1000 a month. Most of that pre-cost stuff is equipment, snazzy special stuff I don't actually *need*- well, not yet, anyway.

I still need a camera (thanks, washing machine), and a good lightweight backpack. And I *need* a working computer and a shiny new passport. I don't need a *new* computer, though. Or a video camera. Or the golf stuff- I can wait for that part of my dreamy trip. And cutting the possibility of golf out of my first 6 months or so cuts back (a lot) on the monthly expenses, too. $1000 a month in Mexico sounds like a tiny amount, but if I can find a cheap place to rent, don't go overboard with internet or food, $600 give or take a bit could work pretty well for a month.

I'll try to earn more, obviously. If I've got myself into a pretty solid "earn $800+ a month" groove, it won't be as much of a problem. If I'm still puttering along well under that, well... nothing like being stuck in another country for motivation, right?

So this month (November) I'll be writing- articles, outlines, synopsis', fiction. I'll be earning dollars (better be, anyway) or I'll be picking up seasonal work. Might do that anyway... I'm sure *someone* is looking for holiday cashiers... I just really don't want to.

Right, also hope to be sending off my passport renewal, doing some hands-on research for a backpack, and haunting my favorite charity shop for cashmere sweaters- better than fleece and cheaper, too.

Ack! I run away in barely more than 3 months and I haven't got *anything* ready yet!

I Has A Schedule!

[insert cat photo here]

Tuesday night I made a schedule. I also wrote down goals (about 10) for November and numbered them 1-5. Work and money related goals, anyway. And a graph/ chart thingy to color in as I earn money, to try and make it seem a bit more real/ do-able.

Dunno how much it's going to help. Maybe if I manage to fill most of it in *this* month, it'll be easier *next* month? Right now it looks like a big empty grid with two lonely little squares filled in down in one corner.

Meanwhile, I was off the schedule (time-wise) by the end of the day I wrote it. So I've mostly tossed the times. Plan out my day from 5:30AM until 7PM? ick. Doomed to FAIL.

So now it says wake up and blog at 5:30 (kinda fail there, too, but close enough...), then I added a NAP, then after that my "work" day starts.

It's still a *long* list of stuff, and I'm really bad at feeling good about it, or like I got anything done. Which is silly, b/c I've done *at least* 3 things on the list every day.

They just aren't the ones that make me money right now, so they don't feel like I'm getting anything done. Maybe I need to make another chart/ grid- with my daily goals on it in a list, with a box for each every day, and put star stickers on them when I meet each goal (say, green star for "tried", red, blue, silver for 25, 50, 75% of goal, and gold star for anything I actually get *all the way* done) like a kindergarten class or little kid's chore chart.

I even have the stickers already...

Actually, I'm going to do that. I'll tape it up next to my bed above the "goals/ schedule/ income chart" already up there. Er, or rather, where the headboard would be, if I had one...

Hey, it's a good spot, and tough to miss or avoid.

Question/ Wondering

Do I keep writing (not enough) articles at TB, even though they take a long time, pay crap, and are totally dis-interesting?

Or do I put on my big-girl pants and come up with my own topics to sell on Constant Content?

I'd have to (obviously) keep writing the penny a word articles until I am making enough sales to pay the bills (something I'm not even doing on TB), but putting up *one* article a day there could eventually kill the need for 7-10 articles at TB.

Which sounds pretty darned good to me.

Problems are:

• I'm not confident that I'll make it past ed. review at CC
• I don't have any idea what to write
• I don't know if I could keep coming up with subjects
• I'm scawed!

Um, ok, so fear is, I'm told, a bad reason not to do something.

Still, the bar is set *really* low at TB. What if I'm not good enough? What if I get banned on my first try? What if I manage to write on the only subjects *ever* with no interest in them *at all*?

Of course, the best way to get over all that stupid fear and what-if-ing is to just write the dratted things already. Just write something and send it in, right? That's what writers do. That's what anyone who wants to buy food and pay rent and get the oil changed does. It's what *I* need to do.

If I could write *one* article a day for CC and get it accepted, I'd be better off than I am now. If 1/3rd of the articles that I wrote and posted were sold, I'd be better off than I am now. If I wrote, submitted, and had accepted *3* articles a day? If 1/3rd of *those* sold in the first month? I'd be able to pay the rent, buy food, *and* get the oil changed, plus at least one other bill- all in the *same* month.

3 TB articles a day? I'd be lucky if I could manage just the food...

It makes so much sense to write for c-c... Why am I not doing it?

Brain Getting Into NaNo Mode

I'm going to Win this year, you know. For the last year or so I'd closed off ideas. actually, most of the last couple years. I'd get ideas, and have no idea how to write them, or get an idea only to find out someone else had just sold the *exact same thing* to the only place that buys that kinda story...

So I closed the ideas off, stopped playing the "what-if" game, and any stray ideas that made it over the wall were ignored until they gave up and went away.

Not this week. Over the weekend, actually, I realised that I need *at least* an idea before NaN0 starts, and that means not just letting them in, but cultivating them so I can see which is strong enough. Right now I have two strong contenders, and each (maybe) could continue into a series.

Not bad "work" for a weekend and a (very) little bit of "what if"-ing.

Of course, to kill any sense of momentum, I also did no "real" work. I joined Twitter, though. Also not work. Not tweeting yet, not sure I want to. Interestingly, wil wheaton and Neil Gaiman tweet more than *any* of the internet marketing types I follow. I don't know if that means they have more to say, less to do, or are trying to avoid larger piles of work, but it's keeping me amused.

Now, though, I need to go do some slimy internet writing so I earn enough to pay the rent, so I can live inside with electricity and internet and a stove in November.

Money and Choices

It's a good thing I've got a lot of goals. If I didn't I'd be stuck with no idea what to do in February.

After playing with the numbers some more (or a lot more, actually) I'd have to stay in Haiti more than 6 months before breaking even with going to Mexico.

So that means Haiti is out of the running (unless a huge random pile of money shows up next week...).

Hiking is also not looking so good. Insurance for a trip that takes place in the US would run me a couple thousand dollars, plus food, plus transport, plus housing between the beginning of February and whenever I started hiking. I'd pretty much never get it under $1k a month right now, average.

If I didn't have to get equipment (and I had insurance) it'd be a different story, but as it stands hiking is out for now.

So, Mexico.

Need to get to work so I can afford even that. If I can get my passport renewal in the mail by the end of November I'll save a pile of money. So that's my first goal. Then start adding in equipment. And tickets. And all the other fun stuff.

Then, at the beginning of February, I go. I think.

Which will give me about 3 months there before I need to be making enough to support myself (again) *and* pay my student loans. Which aren't quite as bad as I expected them to be.

It's really easy to figure out what to do when you start with 3 choices and can only afford one.

Ack, It's Wednesday, and Decision Time, Too!

I'm starting to think I need some kinda calendar or something, that beeps or throws stuff at me on set days of the week.

So... I'm trying to do a bunch of different things right now. I'm trying to get myself earning enough money to pay the bills. I'm trying to set up some kind of ongoing residual income stuff. I'm working on my budget (sad and seriously underfunded though it may be). I'm trying to make myself set up a website that I see a real need for, and that I've been planning and half-assing for *months* now.

But I'm also trying to do and work on and decide some other stuff, too.

I need to figure out what I'm doing for NaNo. I need to work on getting an idea ready, to the point I can finish this year.

Also, I've got a possible opportunity to do something really cool next year. It's got some serious up-front costs, though. To take this "job", I'd have to get all that stuff up there that I'm trying to do for and with money done. Like, now, so I can go.

Basically, a group I've been following has a pretty big volunteer set up going in Haiti. I've been interested in what they're doing since I first heard about them. But between getting down there and the extra equipment I'd need, it's something like $3000 before I even get there. And because they work *full* days doing demolition and rebuilding, I wouldn't be able to even *pretend* to supplement my income with crappy cheap article writing. It just takes too long. I'd have time to do something like work on a website (if I could upload at the end, so I didn't need the wifi the whole time I was working), or work (slowly) on fiction work.

No way to even pretend to put in full days writing web content for other people.

Of course, the while-you're-there expenses are pretty low, too...

I have three or four other possibilities.

There are a good dozen things I want to do, but most get cut off by monthly costs.

I've already decided that to work, the options have to all last (ideally) at least 4 months, cost less than $1000 per month, and not involve sitting on my butt in front of a computer all day.

The first option is, probably, the one with the lowest up-front cost. The trip to Mexico, followed by points south. Plenty of time to work with this option, and plenty to see as well.

The second might not even fit into the budget, I need to price stuff out more- Hiking the AT (with or without my fuzzy half brother). This is the *only* life-goal interest in the US that *might* fit my budget. Insurance (or not having insurance) could push the cost too high, though. Very easily. Also, pretty much no chance to do internet *or* writering stuff while hiking. Even the lightest of computers is heavier than what I want to carry for 2300 miles.

Third option I'm looking at (that would battle with even *applying* for the Haiti trip) is Thailand. It's expensive to get there, visa fees are high, but once over there prices are pretty solidly low, there's a large network of people doing "internet stuff" (and probably "writer stuff," too) to hook up with for in-person motivation and competition. Again, good work time availability, but also plenty of distractions.

Thailand is honestly sitting in a pretty distant last place right now. Depending on what my price research turns up (and if I can find insurance that'll cover an otherwise uninsured american hiking in the US) the AT hiking might be out, too.

So really, the choice (so far, I think) is between volunteering in Haiti (if I apply and get accepted) and starting a tour of the Spanish speaking (non-island) Americas.

I dunno....

Writing

This is kinda embarrassing, so I'm just gonna type it.

I wrote and turned in my first (cheap) article in about a month last night.

Which is crazy. I've accepted dozens, but when I actually have to write them, I freak out and stop. I just stop.

I won't say I "can't" do it, because I obviously have before. I just go totally blank, clueless, and the words dry up. I can think them. I can write most of the thing out in my head. Getting it into the computer, though?

Ha.

But I did one, and it made the second a bit easier. Now hopefully I can write more today without having to fight over it with myself.

I still think Santa should bring me a non-dysfunctional brain for winter holiday. Or, you know, a big pile of money.

Or both.

Ok, going to try another (short, easy, crappy) article. 'Cause, you know, I'm kinda fond of this whole living inside, eating thing. And eventually Dad's going to stop loaning me rent and food money.

Actually Working!

I spent part of the weekend actually working! I'm not proud of myself, because I still didn't get even halfway through my list of stuff that *absolutely needed to get done*, but I got closer, so that's good.

Then I was so tired from that work that yesterday I did absolutely *nothing*. All day. Ok, around 5pm I picked up an article that I'm planning to write today. Otherwise? Nothing.

So today I'm "working" again. It's not work that'll earn me anything this month. It probably won't even earn me anything next month. Hopefully, though, it'll earn me something, someday. It's probably the most boring thing I've ever done, including the stuff I did at Walmart. Seriously dull.

But I can listen to music or podcasts while I do it, and if it works out I should eventually make between $200 and $800 a month off it. Just have to finish setting it up.

Have done nothing yet on the local tourist site. Need to get that done and start posting articles all over about it so I can get magic google juice. I'd like to have it done and ranking at least a little by New Years.

Other money stuff... Dunno. I've got the productivity plug-in on my browser now, dunno if I said that already. I get 2 hours of internet goof-off time between 8am and 10pm. Each time i find myself spending too much time on a site that doesn't get me anything useful (like work), I add it to the block list. There's not much left for me to enjoy at this point.

I keep finding new ones, though, so... yeah.

Off to write dull articles for slave wages....

If You Won The Lottery

Not that I have- that would be a sign Santa loves me. At this point I'm starting to think that 6 year old was right and Santa's a fake...

The point is, I like to make a list of what I'd do, or *think* I'd do if I ever won some huge pile of money.

Not how I'd go get it, or setting up trusts or anything like that. But what I'd actually *do*.

I think it gives a pretty good idea of what people want from life.

So, if I ever won the lottery I'd (in approximate order):

• Pay off everyone and everything that I owe
• give my parents a chunk of money
• set money aside for my sister to pay out as she works, or to pay for school, but without giving her direct access
• book tickets to NYC and Europe
• renew my passport (if needed)
• see Apocalyptica in concert
• go to Florida or California and ride roller coasters every day for a week
• invest almost everything so I'd not have to worry again
• hike the Appalachian Trail (with or without a borrowed dog)
• blog
• spend a year travelling and donating money all over the world
• keep doing the internet thing
• open a hostel
• backpack around the world for as long as I want
• write books
• live in NY, SF, London, LA

Obviously that's a "huge pile of money" winning lotto- the "dream" amount. With $200k I'd pay off my debts, then hike the AT and backpack, while building an online business/ writing. $10k and I'd just start with backpacking and the business/ writing. $100 or less makes no real difference to my life- I'd buy more soda or extra gas.

But it shows me what interests me, what I want to do with my life. If I could pay off everything I owe in one swell foop, I'd be all over that. It's a long range goal. If I could donate piles of money to causes, groups, even people that I think need it, I'd do that. Another long range goal.

Some of them I can do *now*, tho- blogging, building a business that can eventually earn enough to let me do those more expensive goals, working on a book, preparing to, saving for, and taking off on a long term backpacking or hiking trip. A lot of my goals aren't expensive.

If I were more of a stay in one place kinda girl, I'm sure there'd be smexy cars and houses and pool boys and whatnot on that list. I'm sure eventually I'd get at least one of them. Heck, my dream car is less than $100k US with every possible upgrade. (drool, drool, lust...) But that's not something I think about in a daily kinda way.

If I don't plan to settle anywhere in the next 5 years, why would I need a house? If I'm globe hopping, why would I need a car? If I don't have a house, why on earth would I need a pool boy?

Sure, at some point I'll probably want a better place to keep my accumulated stuff (not that there's really that much of it) other than Dad's garage, Mom's shed, or a rented storage unit. Some day I might not have those options. For now, though, and in my goofy bills-paid dream world, that time hasn't come yet.

So what I seem to want in life are experiences, do-goodering, freedom from debt... And the sexy car. Other than the *huge piles* of donated cash, most of the rest of it seems pretty achievable.

What does your Dream/ Lottery/ Life list look like?

Last week's goals and a break.

So, I basically met none of last week's goals.

I have nothing money-wise going on until the 6th of October, so I'm gonna let this site rest for a week or so. It seems the only things I ever have to write about here are "I have x,y,z goals. I failed to meet any of them", and about not having money. Not much to write about there. Honestly, I don't think anyone wants to read about "I have $6 in the bank, and no gas in the car." It gets old, right?

So I'm setting 1 goal for me between now and next Wednesday. It's super easy.

I have a pill I have to take every day. My goal is to actually take that pill *every day*.

Oh, yeah, and when I get the crazy urge to work, I need to try to actually *work*, not talk myself out of it by opening a new book, doing laundry, or cooking something. When my brain says "work", I need to at least *try* to listen.

But that one's not so much a "this week" goal, more a lifetime-type goal.

So yeah, taking a break here. I'll be back on the 6th. Or maybe the 8th.

tomorrow

too sleepy today

Blogging Dollars

So I got paid by my blogging network-thing. It's not a huge amount of money (just over the payout, in fact...), but it's mine! (cue evil laughter)

By check, of course. I guess I got the paypal request/ info in too late.

In other news, I'm trying to decide what direction to go with my travel site... direct paid ads, adsense, affiliates... it doesn't make much difference to the content, but it might change the layout a bit. I don't have to decide now, but I'd like some idea of what direction I'm going to take it in before I get too far into it.

So... yeah.

Still deciding if I should stay with the ad network or not... There isn't much ad inventory now, and I don't know if it's worth it to follow their rules and whatnot when I could make the same (or more...) with Google.

This internet stuff is tough.

Ok, back to writing crappy content articles for next to nothing.

Dear Santa...

I've been a very good girl this year, if you ignore the whole quitting my job, moving across the country thing. And the not getting a new job thing. And the ongoing depression, borrowing money, and not paying all my bills stuff (oops, didn't I mention that last one? Hello, more student loan forbearance).

But I haven't killed anyone, or physically robbed any banks, or forced my attentions on anyone. That counts as good, I think.

This year for (insert random winter holiday here) I'd like quiet roommates. Or no roommates. And if I *do* end up spending more than one month of next year in this state/ country, could that quiet home please be in a place where I can walk to stuff, like cafes and shops, and the library, and parks and things?

Alternately, the motivation to get that stuff on my own would work. Or a huge pile of coal to sell might pay for it....

Mi casa es muy loud. srsly. Forking boys.

Goals for Sept 20-27

This is super late today, I know. My sister's car broke down (fixed now, finally) so I've been ferrying her about, and spent a good part of the day with my mom.

Last Week-

Last week I actually got some stuff done, which is kinda surprising to me, 'cause I spent most of the week getting used to shiny new medicine. Which is doing what it's supposed to--motivation crawled up from around a -2 last Monday to a current high of 3 (yay). I also now accept that I need caffeine to work. Without it I get *nothing* done, with it I at least do *something*.

Last week I managed (kinda) 3 goals. I came in short (very short) on all writing goals. I did, however, manage to:

1. Drink water,
2. Go to my appointments, and
3. Do research on other blog/ site ideas.

I also played too much farmville (losing interest again, *finally*) and stared at the ceiling a lot.

This Week-

So it turns out that you aren't actually a writer unless you write. I've got the drinking water thing down now, meetings and whatnot are under control, and research without action (or pay) is really just play. So this week's goals are:

1. Get blog posts up on time every day.
2. Write 300 words each, every day, for textbroker, Constant Content (spec) articles, my travel website, and a fun fiction project.
3. Work on HoboTraveller's 200 word list for Spanish, then expand it with other words I already know. Add 10 "new" words a day.

That's it. I *should* be able to manage all of those. 300 (1200) words a day is possible, even if it's pure crap. My Spanish listening is much better than my speaking, and my reading a bit better than that, so for now I'm trying to figure out where I am with all that and bring it together.

Oh, and one other "goal"- No TV until I hit my minimum word count for the day.

That look a bit more manageable? I think it does, anyway.

Internet Business is Srs Business

You don't really think about it when you put ads on that first blog (at least, I didn't), but you're starting a business. I don't think about my food blog as a business, I think of it as practice, but it's still a (hobby) business. And that means there's all kinds of stuff I need to know.

So I went to the library yesterday and picked up a pile of books on starting a business, and women in small business, and bookkeeping and stuff. It's answering some of my questions, but for every answer--or part answer--I find, I come up with three more questions.

There's always the SBA, and Charleston has another group just for women starting businesses, but this is *not* a tech center and most of those are traditional businesses. So I'm not sure how much help they'd be when most of my really *wanna know* questions are solidly online business-based. Questions like:

If I sell ads directly instead of using a network for everything, is it a sale? Is it a sales tax-type sale? Do I need a DBA for my blog name? And what about business licenses?

I don't know, maybe the local small business groups *could* help. The books sure are, but not with the internet bit, and I've no interest in buying a "everything you wanted to know about blogging and taxes" ebook. I probably need to figure out other businesses that do similar things, and find out how *they* do it. Something like the local free newspaper, or those newsletters you find in coffee shops with ads down the sides.

I have a strange suspicion that this stuff is why people hire lawyers and accountants when they have *real* businesses. Hopefully hobby status gets a girl some leeway. I don't wanna end up in jail or owing piles in back taxes just because I didn't know better.

Payment Day, But No Payment

So... I held off on this one, giving them a chance. I'm sure there's some reasonable reason for me not getting my paypal-ed dollars today from the ad network I use on teh other blog, but forked if I can figure out what it is. It's totally possible that they're sending me a check, having missed the bit where I decided (about 2 months ago, now) to skip the waiting and just use the electronic transfer-ness.

Which kinda sucked, since I had an appointment to go to, and not enough gas money for a round trip. And not enough money to pay for the appointment. (I did make it, BTW)

Magic Dad to the rescue.

Which makes me feel like crap, of course, and if I were able to be motivated right now, the idea of never calling him for money again would do it. Too bad motivation = 0 right now.

Anyway, he loaned me some more money, and I'm adding it to the list. I think I owe him about $4,000 right now. Wrote down what I remember and added it all up while I was waiting earlier today. That's almost 7 times the cost of my car. It's more than my smallest student loan.

So it feels like crap, but I'm glad he's there. And I think he likes being able to help without dealing with anything messy, and getting to pester me about what kind of late-retirement he expects. Looks like the state home is out. Oh wells.

Now if only the forking ad network would pay me....

Goals for Sept 13-19

First, let me just say, wow, I suck at meeting goals.

So I drank water. And I Looked at camcorders. What I didn't do? Meet writing goals at TB, write anything for CC, outline or write the first chapter for the novel contest. I don't even know what I'm writing about for it yet, and the deadline is next Wednesday. Yikes.

This week, then. "Easy" goals first:

• 2 hours writing for TB, even if it's only one article, every day.
• Drink water
• go to my appointments

Medium goals:

• 1 article for CC
• get travel site set up, write text for homepage.
• Do research for other site/ blog ideas- keywords, competition, perks, etc.

Stretchy/ reachy goals:

• Write chapter for New Voices competition
• Write $500 worth of articles for TB
• Spend 1/2 hour a day on learning spanish
• Write "pages" information plus 5 articles for travel site

I think that looks good. I *can* do all my easy goals, though one will take more work. I should be able to do at least 2 of my medium goals, and I'm shooting for at least 1/2 of one of my stretchy/ reachy goals. It's like a goal within a goal. Oh well, one thing at a time, right?

Interesting money stuff

So, I have no ads here. I did at one point, but I decided to pull them from this blog.

The other one, though, has ads. And they were doing pretty good for a while, and I changed to a new ad network thingy. It lost me the more profitable adsense space, but it brings in traffic (mostly) and was earning more.

I don't know what's up, but September seems to be a crap month for advertising. It's probably better on family or child-centered blogs, but food and general life crap? I'm making more (and have *made* more) on the much less profitable adsense placement than I am off my big pretty hot-spot ad.

Part of it, I suspect, is due to some kinda blogger flub. But mostly? There's no ad inventory. something like 2/3rds of my page loads have been PSA's or in-house ads. that's 2/3rds of my pageloads earning either nothing or almost nothing. It's kinda a startling change.

Good thing I don't live off that revenue, I'd starve to death. Ok, I'd starve to death faster.

It does help me realize that if/ when I get everything going with web sites and whatnot, I need to make sure that money can come in from more than one place. There *are* ad networks that will fill in with ads from other networks when they have nothing to serve, but this isn't one of them.

It really reinforces the whole "diversify" thing. Lucky for me the blog is for fun and keeping track, or I'd be forked. I think about this more than i probably should, actually. With building a working-for-myself type life I am running into this more.

I probably ran into it more when I was working for a company in a "real" job, but when your ability to pay rent depends on kissing the boss' ass and behaving in public, you try not to think about that stuff. Now I'm trying to build as many different streams of income as I can find. Every dollar that comes from blogging, or book reviews, or a website I build, or an article that sells at CC is 100 fewer words I have to write for textbroker. Forget saving the earth, I just want to save my wrists at this point.

Now I just need to get the novelling going so I can earn real, live royalties. Write once and get paid for it forever (or until the book pirates get their hands on it... either one works for me).

But, yeah, oddness with the advertising income this month.

Working Too Much?

Someone told me recently that I work too much. Or maybe it was that I don't have enough fun.

I spend a lot of time *trying* to work, I'll go along with that. Actually working? Nowhere near enough. I do a lot of goofing off, spend more time than I should picking projects, and not enough actually doing what I should. I haven't started my contest project yet, never quite got around to writing that article I challenged my friend to write, and I don't have anything going right now at TB.

So while I spend a lot of time at the computer or alone, I don't work all that much. Which, of course, needs to change. Can't pay the bills if you don't work, right? And the list of things I need to do just gets longer, as does the list of bills I have to pay.

Once I get some kind of actual rhythm going, and work actually starts getting *done* during work time, I'll be all over having fun. I'll snag my golf clubs back from mom's shed, fill the gas tank, and go out and have fun.

Until then, though, it's try to work until I actually *do* time.

No fun, that- all the frustration, none of the dollars.

Goals for Sept 6 - Sept 12

First, a quick update on last week's goals. So far I really only managed part of one of my goals last week. I drank lots of water, but not quite 3 bottles a day. I have until the end of the day today to get an article to CC for the challenge I have going with a friend, so that one isn't quite done yet.

This week!

Holiday weekends are slow at textbroker for finding articles- weekend writers get an extra day to work and clients seem to take the weekend off. A few articles have been loaded in the last couple days, but no where near as many as are being written.

So Goals!

• Write 4 hours at TB every day, or until I earn $30, which ever happens first. I think this will take some of the pressure off me to have "ZOMG millions!" by the end of every day.
• Come up with at least 5 article ideas for CC, and write one of them.
• Outline (vaguely) a story idea for HM&B's New voices comp.
• Write rough first chapter (~4k words) for contest by Thursday. No editing/ fixing this week.
• Compare cameras/ camcorders for trip, build list of possibles, collect prices.
• Water!

I think that will do. It's a boat load of work, but at least half the "work" is fun stuff.

Interesting Problem

So, I need proof of income. I don't have a "job", so I don't have paystubs. I don't make what I did last year, so a copy of my tax return isn't going to work (duh). I quit my job rather than getting laid off or downsized, or whatever random wording they're using this week, so no unemployment benefits or record.

I guess I could print out the last month of my bank records, but the only real money in there came from my father. With a print out of my last month's paypal, that might work, right? I just need something. Blargh.

Proving you have income is easier- if you have a bank account, you just show them that shiny balance, or the line with the deposits, or whatever. I'll have to wait until next January for 1099's, and I think that might be a bit too late. Yargh. broke-ness. Sometimes a job would be easier, just not by enough to make up for the pleh-ness.

Crazy Flat-out Working Time, Again

You'd think I'd time my work-flow better. You'd think I'd fight off the demon writer's block faster. You'd think I'd try harder for (much) better paying Direct Orders.

But no. I put it off and put it off, and do one here, and two there, and then run around, headless-chicken style and totally broke the week before pay-outs. So that's what I'm doing today and most of tomorrow. Well, the part of tomorrow that isn't spent getting Dad from the airport and dropping him off at home. So flat-out working, followed by more super-speedy work, followed by my "challenge" article for the better paying site. Basically, I'm working most hours I'm awake between now and Labor Day.

It's going to be a long, exhausting week. Well, what's left of it.

Luckily, though, I *know* I can write 3 300 word articles in an hour. So I'm starting by challenging myself to write $10 worth of articles and turn them in each hour. Then, if I make that, I'll bump it up 50 cents or a dollar each hour until I either can't do it, or it just gets silly. I think, by the end of the day, I can be pushing out $15 an hour. I bet I can, even.

Now I just have to go do it. Drat this strange need I have for living inside!

One plus, though- I actually got something done on my local-type website. at this rate it should be up and running by the time I'm 50.

Goals for Aug 30th - Sept 5th, 2010

In the spirit of Weekly Goals, and smaller Daily Goals, this week I want to:

• Finish every article I claim. They are never as bad as I think.
• Write at least 4 articles before each break. Each extra article I'll extend my break by 5 minutes.
• Use a timer while writing and taking breaks.
• Write and submit an article at Constant Content. This is in competition with a friend, and I *will not lose*!
• Earn enough before roll-over to pay the rent, car insurance, and have some gas and food money left over.
• Drink at least 3 bottles of water a day.

I think that looks good. Two are easy, two challenging but ok, and two are a heck of a stretch.

End of Month Update- August 2010

So, of all the things I listed to do this month, I think I managed 1- get a realistic idea for budgetting at my first location.

Everything else? Fail.

I got pretty stuck with the writing- not because it's tough but because I seem to want to think it's difficult. It's really very easy. So I'm going back to my production method from before- voice to text, and hopefully the lack of typing will increase my word count.

Otherwise, depression and multiple attempts at quitting caffeine pretty much killed this month. I'm thinking about maybe doing weekly goals, to match up with one or two monthly goals. "cause, honestly? I write those goals and forget them right now. Months pass fast, but they're still plenty long enough for me to procrastinate through.

And if there's one thing I'm WIN at, it's procrastination.

Working on Working

No post today.

Depression Means Small Paycheck

So, the more depressed I get (and I'm sure this is common) the less I actually do. Either because I have no motivation, or I'm sure anything I do will suck.

I'm pretty sure I've dropped into a rather low low, since I haven't managed to write anything but blog posts for close to a week now. And the blog posts themselves were a near thing. With a normal job, that wouldn't be so bad. the little bit of work would be masked by the huge amount of goofing off most people manage as part of their daily work schedule.

Unfortunately, my income is totally based on how many words I crank out each day. No words means no dollars, and 500 words (more than I've done in *days*) means 2 gallons of gas. I could, in a normal month, maybe swing a couple days without real production, but this month? Not so much.

I try to keep from thinking about the bills while I write- it just stops me, makes me nervous, and slows me down. But it's still important. This month I have to pay car insurance again. I have to start paying one of my student loans. I have to start getting stuff together for my "great escape." And, of course, I have to pay the rent.

None of that is going to happen at a rate of $5 a week.

So today I need to center my brain, find a "happy" place, and get some damned work done.

Stupid brain. I'm tempted to hand it over to the first hungry zombie that wanders by.

Escape is Expensive

I'm starting to plan my escape. It's coming up pretty fast now, and I need to make sure it's still manageable.

I'm sure it seems irresponsible to some people (like my father) or dangerous (to just about everyone else), but really, travelling won't be that much worse, financially, than staying where I am. In some ways it's much, much better.

Just... this starting out bit is going to be expensive. I need to either fix my laptop or replace it with a super cheap netbook. I need a new camera, a small travel bag for my golf clubs (yes, they're coming with me), shoes, clothes, a backpack, insurance, tickets, and shiny new passport...

It's at least $1500 worth of stuff, and I keep seeing new things that would work really well, and be super useful. The worst part is, the things I need- clothes, for the most part, are more expensive when they're designed for women or travel. Women's travel clothes are, therefore, about twice as expensive. Pleh.

So, with all these expenses, how will I manage? I've got to start cutting. I think I know what I want/ need for clothes, and i'll start hunting the thrift stores for the few things I might be able to find- like a scarf, sweater, lightweight black skirt. I'll watch the interweb for sales on the clothing items I need/ want, and reconsider my shoe setup.

Still thinking about the laptop/ netbook thing. Parts to fix the laptop will be at least $200, a cheap netbook with decent battery life and nice low weight can be had for less than $300. Don't know which is better, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

What did I mean when I said taking off could be better for me financially?

I won't have a car, or the expenses that come with it. I won't have traditional US-style lack of health insurance--travel health insurance covers accidents and whatnot, so if something happens I won't end up thousands of dollars deeper in debt. There may be tax savings, there's less to buy, expenses are (for the most part) lower. So long as I don't take up scuba diving my monthly expenses should be no more than what they are here.

And my work (such as it is) is already online.

Until then, though, I need to keep making my lists, cutting them down, and stretching out the extra bits of cash I can find in my budget. Funny, even with all the "expense" and gear the pre-trip expense is less than first, last, and deposit on an apartment.

Not Much

Won $4 on the lotto, bought a new ticket. I think that's my second largest win ever- best was $7!

I know, I know. In other news, I found another penny a word place to write, dunno how that's going to work. I can at least try it, though, right? This one pays every Saturday. If I get this whole thing really going, I could eventually get paid (a little bit) a couple times a week-

• around the 1st
• around the 6th
• around the 15th
• around the 21st
• and every Saturday

Wowz, that's a lot of paydays. $100 from each of them would be $800. Not bad at all. Bet I could make $100 a week from each of those- that's more like $1200, or enough to pay the rent and one or two of the student loans with money left for food.

What I really need to do, though, is get off my butt and write for Constant Content. $20 for a 300-500 word article is much better than 3 to 5 dollars. 'Specially if I can get one or two done in an hour, or 6 a day. Even selling only 1/3rd of them I'd be making about what I do now, and my wrists would thank me.

Ok, now I'm just blathering.

Student Loan Time

Sort of. 5 years ago, give or take 6 months, I moved to the other end of the earth. I took out student loans (or tried to, anyway) to pay for school. If I'd paid attention, showed up for class or (gasp) actually done the work I'd be graduating with a really cool degree in December.

Instead, I have to start paying back those loans in September and October. I know, because I got the "repayment starts soon" paperwork from them yesterday. I'm not totally clear on the numbers fro one of the loans- it seems bigger than I remember. These things happen, though. I just really don't remember borrowing $33810, or any amount that matches that with the interest added.

So I'm a bit lost with that. Now in October I need to come up with three new payments- $141, $67, and $32. And in September I need to start coming up with $81 each month.

It might be time to hunt down an income contingent repayment plan. 'Cause the day $700 (which is my student loan payment monthly total, I think) is 20% of my monthly income is the day I throw a happy happy joy joy party.

Seriously, though- Don't go into *very nice car* worth of student debt with nothing to show for it. Totally not worth the stress.

Building Something from Nothing- part 7

I haven't worked on my website-dealies in a couple weeks now. More like months, actually. That's not good.

You can't succeed at something if you never do anything. Or so they tell me, anyway. If I don't build the stupid site I'll never make anything off of it. If I don't make money off that one, I'll not be able to expand into another.

It's kind of silly, I guess, to earn money over and over on the same work. Build a decent site once, get everything set up, do the SEO, all that jazz, and (if I picked a good niche) I could eventually make money off of it forever. Well, or until the big G smacks me down.

My wrists are telling me that this not-actively-working thing is a good idea. My brain is seconding. I'm pretty sure my fingers or behind are interested in a vote. What I'm doing for money right now doesn't pay well, and it only pays once. If I can do something that pays equally crap, but over and over again, that's the start of something magic.

Sorry, lots more airy-fairy stuff today, not so much with the hard numbers/ hard work/ results. So to be fair-

Making the writing easier-

Like anyone else who spends more time with their computer keyboard than their SO (or other interesting people) I have bad wrists. My "desk" setup doesn't help. 'Parently sprawling across the bed isn't any better than slumping in a crap office chair. Loafing about on my side puts extra pressure on shoulder joints and spines and whatnot. It also encourages me to wander when I'm writing.

So I'm trying out speech recognition software. Sort of.

In the interests of cheap, I didn't buy anything new, I'm just using the speech recognition that's in Win7. I don't know how it stacks up against other products, I know that it works better than the one I had with XP. It recognizes most of my words and directions. Best of all, it was (sort of) free- it came with the OS.

I like speech recognition because when I *say* the sentences they make more sense. I stick to the topic, don't get lost as quickly, and don't (usually) go off on random parentheticals or just drop a sentence half way through. I can lie (lay?) on my back, eyes closed, and just talk. I can toss the words up in my head, hear them as they come out, and edit on the fly. It's kinda nice.

Problems I have with it, well...

You have to speak clearly- after half an hour or so I lose that ability. You need to remember the commands (another problem for me), and you need to check that it's translating correctly. About 10% of the time it comes up with something that, when reading it back later, really makes me wonder WTF I was writing. Also, I don't think I've managed more than 15 words per minute. If I compose in my head as I write, then type away, I can think for 20 seconds, write for 40, and still ge 30 words down. The talking-thing doesn't work that way. more time is spent going back and fixing things, correcting the computer when it doesn't know what I want, or deleting off what I don't want.

I've read (don't remember where) that eventually the speaking/ writing thing gets faster- the computer learns your speech patterns, you remember all the commands, and it all just works together better. Right now, at a penny a word, I can't really afford to play. My average output with speech to text is 600 words an hour. That's less than minimum wage. Much less, when you consider that I have to pay self-employment tax on it.

On jobs that pay better, I might go back to it. For now, though- before I've built up decent residual income- I need to write faster. Right now, that means typing.

Maybe someday I won't have to write at those rates, and I can get paid over and over for the same words. Today, it's all about efficiency, baby.

Pleh and Double Pleh!

Staying in the US is expensive. Leaving is expensive too. Not as much over the long term, but with the list of things I either want or need to bring with me, it's looking kinda spendy.

Of course, some of it I'd be doing anyway. Things like renewing my passport, hunting down a 1 iron, getting a new camera. A bunch of it, though, is really travel-specific. I need to get a new backpack that's lighter and in better shape than the one I have now. I need a new laptop, or at least a new screen and refurb for the old one. I need sleep sheets, and travel vax, and clothes that are good for golf or touring. I need those golf-able clothes to be at least mostly something I'd normally choose to wear.

All together, including all that stuff up there and transportation to my starting point, I need about $1800 to $2500 worth of stuff. I can cut corners in a couple places, and some stuff I over estimated. Still- I want to be going again by the middle of January. That's not very long.

Oh well, the travel will be about the same cost as staying at home, I'll at least have *some* kind of insurance, and maybe I'll finally smoosh some Spanish into this brain of mine.

One major plus if I begin in Mexico? Spending the same on rent there as I do here will get me at least a studio apartment. No roommates.

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?

People ask kids that every day. Maybe not the same kid, but someone, somewhere, asks that. After I got over the fact that I wasn't *really* a princess (which was a bit of a shock, and still hasn't totally worn off) I decided I wanted to be retired.

Now, I get the feeling that not a lot of kids go around saying that. I'd imagine it's mostly adults that want to be retired when they grow up. But from what I saw, work sucked! Mom and Dad would go to work super early, stay there all day, come home exhausted and angry, and have to do it all again the next day. Who wants to do that? In contrast my (retired) grandparents watched TV, went to art classes, joined clubs, and generally had an ok time. Doesn't take a genius to figure out which is the better job.

When people ask what you want to be when you grow up they expect a certain type of answer- doctor, fireman, police officer, video game designer. If you tell them you want to be retired, they look at you funny and tell you retirement comes *after* work. Pretty sure I'm still not buying that. It's one of only three things I've ever wanted to be, though. In fact, it's probably the most attainable. Well, for now.

Being a novelist, after all, requires actually writing a novel- preferably a good one. And animal doctoring? Takes a whole lot more geographic stability (and classroom time) than I can manage right now. I think I proved that one pretty conclusively, at least. So that leaves retirement.

Problem is, I don't want to put it off, and I don't want to work like a dog to fund it. Everything else I've done has really been trying to fit my dream job into some kinda framework that other people thought would be ok. Now I'm trying to work some way of earning money into my dream. I think it works better this way.

Kinda funny, though. Every time I told someone what I wanted to be when I grow up (still hasn't happened) they'd tell me you couldn't do that. I don't remember anyone (before I learned to lie about it) suggesting ways to make it happen. Maybe it's a bit forward thinking of me, or obviously liberal, but you shouldn't have to hate your life for years before you get to chase your *real* dreams.

Heck, without dreams and dreamers we'd still all be living in caves. Un-painted, boring caves. Imagine you're a kid again. You can do or be *anything*. What is the one thing that pulls you hardest? Is there any way you could do it now?

Self-Employment, Life, and Taxes

When you have a job, you just get a check. Taxes come out, but until about February, most people with jobs don't need to think about taxes at all. When you don't have a job? Suddenly the tax thing is a huge scary monster.

When you work for yourself you're responsible for your own taxes. Sounds obvious, but it's trickier than I thought. Take home pay calculators for the traditionally employed are all over the internets. Calculators that can/ will do the math on self employment taxes are rather more difficult to find. To be safe I've been working with 35% overall tax rate- FICA, state, fed, whatever.

Turns out this is (more than a little) high. There's no way in any colored hell I'll make enough to pay that much. This year I'll be lucky if I make enough to pay federal income tax at all. Feels strange to write that, by the way--lucky to pay tax. A more accurate tax rate for me, random web site told me, is 22 to 28 percent, including state, fed, and FICA--if I make $4,000 a month for the rest of the year. Not bad.

Related to the whole tax thing, I have to figure out what my tax home is. I don't think you can be without a tax home, and I don't want to be taxed SC state income tax (7% of everything) while I'm off living in some random country. So I foresee some quality time spent between the IRS website, and their Q&A hotline.

Positive stuff this weekend included reading about someone who wandered past an ~300USD /month studio with all utilities included in the non-tourist part of Playa del Carmen. Ok, the *less* tourist part. With WiFi. That's $70 less a month than I pay now, and without a car my savings would be even better. Mexico and South America sound better every day. I'm dreaming about travelling and paying down my debts, all for about what it's costing me to eke out some miserable un-life here. Sounds good to me, even if it means travelling slower than slow.

Start of Month Update- August 2010

Sorry this was a bit delayed- trying to earn the big bucks take time, I guess- well, at a panny a word it does, anyway.

So goals for August are pretty much all money related. I'm gonna take the relaxing, meditating, exercising stuff off for now, because I don't do them, then I feel bad. So I'm dropping them, but I'm sure they'll be back eventually.

So, goals-

• Make enough to pay the bills this month- including (at least) $100 for dad, and the car insurance which is up at the end of the month.
• Write enough articles at textbroker each day to make $50
• Write and submit at least one perfect, clean article a week to Constant Content * (so 3 or 4 this month)
• No matter what, even if all the available article titles at tb suck, write at least one article
• Start working within 2 hours of waking up- every day.
• Write at least one 300 word article for my travel page a day, starting Saturday.
• Get said website actually up and running with at least 10 pages by the end of the month, with 5 up by the 15th.

And some longer range stuff that I need to work on-

• Passport photos, and renewal
• Price digital cameras to replace the one I killed
• Price netbooks for when I take off again
• Start putting together packing list/ to do list for trip
• Save for that trip
• Get other student loans on either forbarence or income based repayment.
• work on timelines for trip-type departure. Looking at December or January.
• Do more research RE: budgets where I'm looking to start out. Connect with people in those areas, find out realistic prices.
• Work on Spanish.

I think that's enough to keep me busy. Some of this is a bit fantasy at the moment. I'm trying to figure out how much I can pull off. I should be able to travel for about what I live on now, albeit in a rather super-budget-kinda way. I'll have to actually *work* on it now, though. Hopefully the idea of getting back out into the world from my small, sad, rat shack life will be enough to get/ keep me motivated.

* The Constant Content link is an affiliate link. If you click on it and sign up to be a writer there, and actually sell something, I get 5% of the sale price. It comes out of the portion CC takes, and their commision is the same if you use the affiliate link or not. I haven't actually got anything up (as of Aug 6, 2010), so I can't tell you with any real authority that it works, but there are some pretty happy writers there. It's web content, nothing first person (no "I"), no fiction, no poetry. But it pays much better than textbroker, and you can pick what you write.

August 2010 Goal post is Postponed

Need to make the money to pay the rent to live in the house, cook the food, and use the internets.

Back 6th August 2010.

Oh, and I made my July $ goal- by about $0.20. I get paid for it sometime in September, but it's nice to know it's possible.

End of Month Update- July 2010

Totally spazzed that I needed this today. End of the month just kinda snuck up on me. It does that, I hear.

So, Goals...

Physical/ mental-

I didn't meditate before turning the computer on. I probably did meditate a couple times, but not quite right. Working out was likewise FAIL. Eating was about a half and half.

Financial-

I cancelled WoW at the beginning of the month. I really miss it, but it's out for now. I've given up on applications and resumes for now. I'm going with this writing thing. I've just about got enough to pay the rent- I'm borrowing a bit from dad to cover until I get "paid", and by then should be golden.

Personal/ business-y-

The month started off slow with writing, but I've picked up a bit since then. I've had some story ideas, but other than vague outlines and character sketches haven't written anything yet. Article writing was going similarly slow at the beginning of the month, but that's picked up as well, by necessity. It's still tough to get started each day, and I'm terrified after I hit the "submit" button, but I'm definitely submitting stuff. My local site, however still languishes, ignored and whatnot. I know what I want to do now, but don't seem to be able to make myself do it. Dratted motivation. The $1/ day income *might* make it this month- it's close. I've run about $2 behind all month, between all the different stuff. I don't include article sales in this, it's really just ad revinue and affiliate sales.

So that was July.

August goals up Monday.

Writing to Pay Bills

This is pretty different from writing for fun. Mainly because it takes up most of the day. I've got about 10 hours of work ahead of me (at least), so no big drawn out chatty post today.

All my articles have been accepted without revisions, so far. Demand Studios tells me there's nothing for me with them. I'm not sure if that means my writing sucks but the buyers at TB don't care, or DS is just flooded with "real" writers with "real" experience...

Oh well, back to work.

Learning about PayPal

Up until now I haven't had much to do with PayPal. Strange, I know.

Everyone and Everything (just about) uses PayPal. Except me--until recently I'd only used it once. To pay for my Africa trip. But I'm learning.

Most of the places I'm "working" with use PayPal for payments. So I earn it, and when they pay me, it's sitting there in my account. Online. Where I can only spend it Online.

Problem. I don't think my roommate's mother (also known as my landlord--talk about problems...) has an account with them. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to pay transfer fees, if she does have an account. I sure as heck don't want to.

So where does that leave me? Well, I can transfer money from my online account to my linked bank account. It takes 5 to 7 days (might even be *business* days) but it's free. Or I can use a debit card linked to my PayPal account, but if I get cash from an ATM there are fees (from the bank I'm using, I don't think the card has fees). If I get cash back while I'm shopping, I'm limited by the amount the store allows. And I'd have to shop. Plus, to even be eligible for the debit card you have to upgrade your account.

Not a problem, I chose the debit card (for when I need money *now*), and I can always still transfer cash whenever I have a week or two to wait. So I upgraded my account (no fee) and applied for the debit card. I'll have it in a week or two- just in time to pay the rent a bit late. Better than a lot late, I guess.

Now I just have to get my W-9 to TextBroker so they'll pay me. Well, and write. A lot. Every day until payout. Pleh.

10 Things That Can Kill a Tight Budget

When you're dealing with seriously limited funds the smallest slip can grow into a budget killer. Here are 10 mistakes, and possible solutions.

1. Returning things late. That $1 Redbox DVD was affordable for one night, but if you don't return it after the first night the cost creeps up. Library books have the same problem. Mark when they're due in a calendar, keep them in a central location, and make the library a regular stop when you're doing errands.
2. Not saving for regular maintenance. Cars, bicycles, and people all need regular work. Saving a portion each month means the money is there when the bill is, and you are less likely to put it off. Skipping regular checkups can lead to bigger, more expensive problems.
3. Buying prepared food and drinks. Unless your fast food lunch is a single sandwich off the dollar menu packing a lunch will be cheaper. Cooking at home will save money, but also time- no rushing to the car, through the drive-thru, and back to work. Coffee or soft drinks brought from home are less expensive, too.
4. Not "batching" trips. If the bank, library, grocery store, and dry cleaners are all in the same general direction make them one trip. Plan the shortest route that finishes all your errands and you'll save gas, but also driving time.
5. Not considering transportation cost. If there's a great sale on something you need, but the store is 15 or more miles away you may be spending more on gas than you're saving. This is also true for public transit. If there's a closer store, try shopping there. Save the "sale" store for when other errands take you in that direction, or for major stock-up trips.
6. Rent-to-own anything. The final cost of what you're renting will end up being several times what you would have paid if you just saved up and bought it. Use an air mattress until you can afford a real one, ask family and friends for hand-me-downs, or haunt thrift stores until your budget loosens up or you save enough to buy what you really want.
7. Replacing non-essentials when they break or wear out. If you have three pair of jeans and one wears through in the seat, just let it go. Likewise if your computer or other electronic toy breaks. Public libraries often have computers for use, and most other electronics aren't as necessary as we think they are.
8. Shopping hungry and without a list. Going into a grocery store unorganized and hungry is almost guaranteed to drive your bill up. Plan your meals, check your pantry, eat a snack, and make a list. A few more minutes before you start can save a bunch at the till.
9. Entertainment. You don't have to lock yourself in the house, but you do need to put limits on entertainment. If you like to hang out with friends at bars, give yourself a strict 1 drink limit, and make it the special. Don't rent movies every night, try borrowing them from the library. The library is also good for readers. If you're active and like the outdoors, try hiking or running on a nearby trail or greenway.
10. "Just looking" in stores. If you spend time in stores, and bring any kind of money, you'll usually spend something. Find something else to do with your time. Try a new hobby with low expenses or that uses things you already have-- drawing, digital photography, baking, running. Shopping, even just window shopping, should be limited. It's harder to be tempted when you don't know what's out there.

Is there anything missing, or that you think is more important than what's included here?

Building Something from Nothing- part 6

I haven't really done much lately. Building a site is a lot of work. I'd rather be doing that work for me, obviously, but really I'd rather do no work at all.

But the site still needs to get built, the setup finalized (I'm going back to WP), content written, uploaded, and pimped throughout the interwebs. Like I said, a lot of work.

And then there's the book blog, which I haven't even started.

And somewhere in there I need to decide if (when I do take off on my next trip) I'm going to switch my blogging energy to that, or just enjoy it. I'll probably blog it- there's a lot of interesting stuff to write about when you're wandering around the world.

First, though, I need to get that first site up, running, and bringing in some money. I don't want to be writing cheap spam for strangers forever, ya know.

Income has been slowly inching up. I'm trying to decide if I want to have full out social media fun with my travel site. I can see how it would be good for traffic and buzz, but I don't know if it's worth the work. And if I'm not in the country, let alone the city, do I tweet and update facebook, and whatnot, or do I pay someone else to do it for me? Obviously, the more places people can find you, the more people will find you. Which is good, of course. But how does one person manage a bunch of different accounts like that without it taking over the whole day? I guess the answer is probably to make enough on the sites that I can hire someone else to be responsible for it, but at the rate I'm going the world will belong to the robots before I get to that point. Hmm...

Unemployable?

There's been a lot of discussion across some blogs I read, and in the interwebs in general, about "unemployability." Now, they don't mean that no one is looking to hire a certain skill set, or that a career path doesn't exist anymore.

What everyone is really talking about is being entrepreneurially minded. If you don't want to sell your time to other people, they're calling that unemployable. Which I can kinda see. Not only do some people hate working for others, they're really bad at pretending to not mind.

For an example, there's this post and discussion at Escaping the 9 to 5, or the whole of the Genetically Unemployable blog/ site. And I'm pretty sure it's a common topic over at Ridiculously Extraordinary.

See, I'm not without skills. I've been called "terrifyingly competent" by a friend/ coworker. And for the most part, I have no problem working what, in the art community, is known as the "day job." But I don't like it. I hate knowing that I'm spending my time making gobs of money for some (usually) invisible higher-up. I'd rather make money for *me*. It doesn't help that I can't cover up my disinterest in working for someone else.

So I guess I'm unemployable. Or entrepreneurial. Same diff.

I seem to be lacking some of the most important bits for that to work, though. Disdaining traditional employment is all well and good, after all, but a girl still needs to pay the bills. That's where I seem to fall down. I don't have the follow-through or stick-to-it-iveness that you need to make money for yourself- either through a business or some other way.

But I'm working on it, and it's getting better. I'm still a scared little girl, but I'm forcing myself to jump off higher and higher cliffs with my work. It's getting less scary, but not by much. Actually, the thought of living in a box is getting scarier, so I'm throwing myself off those cliffs to try and pay the bills. Eventually I'll get everything pulled together, hit the right spot and soar instead of falling.

For now, I need to decide if I'm going to really make a go of this whole working for myself thing, or if I'd rather give up and try to re-train myself into a perfect little wage slave. My money's on self-employed success. I don't think anything less than a full lobotomy would make me happy to follow directions. Drat my stubborn hide.

Bits of Fail and Win

Fail-

• I write spam for dollars
• just found 2 library books I didn't know I had out- and they were due back more than a week ago
• I don't remember checking out the books, which I now owe about $2 on.
• The library's system is down, so I can't even check
• I'm totally broke
• I *still* haven't got anything on that dratted website I'm "building"

Win-

• I get *paid* for that spam I write
• I've seen topics and headlines from jobs I didn't take around the intarwebs and in my spam folder
• Rent's paid to the end of the month
• I'm a "good" roommate- rent stuff
• there's plenty of month left, and I'm feeling brave today
• bread- I'm making it

That Stuff I Love and How I'll Do More of It

I've been slacking and thinking since Monday, about the stuff that makes me happy. Some of it's easy to do, even with no money- like hiking. Bunches of it takes money though.

So to some degree, to do the stuff that makes me happy I need more money. Or I guess, Any money.

So, stuff that makes me happy, but I haven't been doing-

• playing golf- I love golf. Something about the way the competition is set up. You never really play against other people in golf. I mean, sure, you keep score, and someone wins or loses each hole or round. But in golf the one you really play against is yourself. The quality of your swing, your headspace, your personal best... a nice tee shot... just you, the club, and the ball alone in a field of grass.
• Going fast- Maybe it's an ADD thing, but I love to go fast. In the car, on a roller coaster, in airplanes, on boats. Mainly cars, though. I love knowing the only thing standing between me and near certain death is skill and some rubber. I really want a motorcycle because of this speed thing, but I'm pretty sure that'd be a big ball of death. The very idea terrifies my mother. Somehow that just makes it better.
• Falling from the sky- terrifying, but the rush is... wow. Freefall rides, bungee jumps, skydiving. I've only done one of the three so far, but I want to do the other two. The scare, the rush... Just thinking about it calms a wild spot deep inside me.
• Dogs- The trust even strange, abused dogs give... the way they curl around you. It's something that I love. Without quality dog time I feel like half a person. Of course, dogs don't travel well, and my lease says no pets, so for now I can have no dog. Sometimes, though, I'd like to just be able to bury myself in the middle of a pile of dogs. It's like perfect love.
• Travel- It's scary, and amazing, and cool, and I love it.
• Perching- I love being up high. Roofs are one of my favorite places. The top floors of parking garages, lying back on the ledge, one leg over nothing, one foot on the parking deck. Sometimes I wonder if I'm half cat...
• Live music- Just 'cause
• Not owing anyone anything- I don't just mean money. I mean being totally even, no favors out, no lunch to reciprocate.
• Being around people like me- I don't think this one can ever actually happen.. I've never really met these people. Got close once, but I'm still a bit too crazy for them. Never thought that'd happen....
• Telling stories- Always in my head, somehow when I try to write them down they go wonky.
• having a relationship- Obvious, I'm sure. Partly I miss the physical stuff, but I also miss the general fun, talk-to-someone bits too. And cuddling.
• Seeing a shrink- Crazy, right? There's something about having someone you can tell just about anything that's really relaxing. Makes me happy, even if it doesn't fix anything else. Really, it's someone you can tell all the crap that bothers you, and they have to listen- for 50 minutes a week.
• Sailing- The harmony of sails and wind. Peaceful, terrifying, and it requires skill. There's a definite theme developing here.

I'm sure there are other things- like not living in a rat hole dump. But for now, that's a pretty good list, I think.

So how am I going to do it? That's what I've been thinking on. I want to do it all. Only going halfway to a dream seems like a waste to me, and I've done enough of that so far in life. The best way I've come up with so far is at least as terrifying as jumping out of perfectly good airplanes. The only way I know of to do everything I want in life is to write. Other people have other skills- painting, acting, business. I'm crap at sales, I haven't got the patience to paint (or the skill), and I'm waaaay too happy with my privacy to even think of chasing acting.

But writing I can do. I think. Well enough to make money off revenue share websites, anyway. Really, though, an article sold on one of the content websites is a bucket of balls, or a gallon of gas, or half a concert ticket. The advance on a book is a couple months' living expenses. A month's income from my other blog is a pretty good day in South America or SE Asia. A really crappy article I wrote (in 15 or 20 minutes) earned me enough for 7 ice cold *real sugar* cokes in East Africa.

So golf. I've got clubs, shoes, most of the clothes, a hat (super important), a glove, and enough free balls to keep a high school club going. All I need are green fees and buckets of range balls. the municipal course in Charleston County is $8 after like 4pm, as many holes as you can play until dark. Dunno about buckets of balls, though. $8 isn't much, I bet I could earn that much in an hour or so, just picking up stuff that's easy to write. Enough that I could (should?) be playing a round at least once a week, and hitting at least 2 buckets besides, by the middle of August.

Going fast is going to have to wait- my car is crap, and I can't afford a motorcycle just now. Plus, tickets are spendy. Eventually, though, I think a bike will take care of at least half my need for speed. And if that doesn't work, I can always learn to fly.

skydiving I'm putting on my list of things I want for holidays/ birthday. If no one else will get it for me, I'll get it for myself. I figure even I can come up with $20 a month, once I'm doing that work that terrifies me so much. Bungee is waiting for now. I know where I want to do that, and it's going to have to wait- I'm not ready to go back to NZ yet.

Dogs- I'd love to fix this one by hosting short term fosters, but the lease thing crops up. Not sure why RM#3 gets to have a lizard and I can't even borrow a big ball of cute, but whatever. I'll just have to visit them more. I think I'll work on coming up with extra gas money and offer my dog-ferrying services and crazy dog walking skills to the rescue. That way I get dog time, and they get help with the crazies. Dunno if I'm brave enough to ask if I can help, though....

Travel I want to start in February. I need a new passport and enough income before then that I'm not screwing over everyone I owe money to. I really want to be responsible. I spent the money, I need to repay it. But more than that, I need to travel, see new places, and be that interesting person I am when I don't care what people think about me. I figure I need about $3000 before taxes to keep afloat. More writer-ing, less wimpy fail-fear.

Perching is easy- just get on a roof. Not the roof here, though- I don't trust it to hold me, and who knows what's living in it. I should probably take up climbing, but... not now. Plenty of places to perch downtown, though. I'll just have to go more often.

I have an opportunity to go to a concert at the end of August (Apocolyptica, if anyone's interested) but it's in Atlanta, and it'll probably cost about $400 to go. It wouldn't be so much, but my car is crap, so I'd need a rental, plus gas, plus tickets, and probably a hotel room, since I'm not totally clear on the quality of hostels in Atlanta. It's important to me, though. I want it. I'm going to do it, damn it.

paying everyone off is going to take time. I try not to think about how much time right now, it just sends my stress levels up, and i don't sleep so good, or eat so good, or want to talk to people or bathe when that happens. And bathing and sleep are important. With my student loans in deferral and forbearance, it's like $1400 a month to pay all my bills and live indoors. Payign people back means making more than that.

I think the people like me thing will be solved at some point, but dunno when. Probably the same time I find a relationship that works and am travelling. But I think being in places that people more like me hang out would be a good start- so February when my lease is up I'm working on this one.

Telling stories is more of a way to do everything that makes me happy. It's kinda a all mixed in there deal. Not sure how anyone makes a living off their dreams though. Gotta say, life'd be a lot easier if I were one of those "marry money" type girls....

Relationship will happen if it's going to. I can really only just stop pushing people away so hard, and maybe try to meet people who actually interest me. Hard drinking, hard partying cooks are fun and all, but really not what I'm looking for in life, not even as Mr. Right Nows.

Seeing a shrink is expensive. I think for now I'll just go back to keeping a journal. Worst that could happen is it turning into a big tale of woe. Best that could happen is it makes me feel better. Live with what you got, right?

Sailing- I think this could be the new father/ daughter bonding activity. Hopefully by the end of next month I can start paying him back, and we can do monthly sailing trips. Not big stuff, just like a little rental around the harbor. Eventually, I want my own boat so I can take off to places that feel "right." Some places just *do*.

Um, right... So all of this basically hinges on me making some money. Ok, so it depends on me making what is, for me, a lot of money. I can do it by writing content for the interwebs. I don't want to do that forever, but for now...

I just need to get past the "wow, this is scary, what if I suck" part. But doing scary stuff seems to be something that makes me happy. Jumping off cliffs and seeing what happens works for me. This little, scared life doesn't seem to be working.

Now, to talk myself into really doing it. I'm gonna at least have 2 of those things going by the end of August. If I miss that show, I'll hate myself for at least 6 months.

The only thing holding me back is the same thing that always holds me back- fear. Sometimes I wish I were as ballsy and brave as strangers (and some friends) thing I am. I'd get so much more done. It's tough, though. Really, really tough. At this point, it's do the things that scare me (in a bad way) or miss out on all the things that I love, and waste the rest of my life. That would suck.

So I guess it's time to throw myself out into the abyss and hope I learn to fly before I hit an even deeper bottom than I've found so far.

Random much?