So to some degree, to do the stuff that makes me happy I need more money. Or I guess, Any money.
So, stuff that makes me happy, but I haven't been doing-
- playing golf- I love golf. Something about the way the competition is set up. You never really play against other people in golf. I mean, sure, you keep score, and someone wins or loses each hole or round. But in golf the one you really play against is yourself. The quality of your swing, your headspace, your personal best... a nice tee shot... just you, the club, and the ball alone in a field of grass.
- Going fast- Maybe it's an ADD thing, but I love to go fast. In the car, on a roller coaster, in airplanes, on boats. Mainly cars, though. I love knowing the only thing standing between me and near certain death is skill and some rubber. I really want a motorcycle because of this speed thing, but I'm pretty sure that'd be a big ball of death. The very idea terrifies my mother. Somehow that just makes it better.
- Falling from the sky- terrifying, but the rush is... wow. Freefall rides, bungee jumps, skydiving. I've only done one of the three so far, but I want to do the other two. The scare, the rush... Just thinking about it calms a wild spot deep inside me.
- Dogs- The trust even strange, abused dogs give... the way they curl around you. It's something that I love. Without quality dog time I feel like half a person. Of course, dogs don't travel well, and my lease says no pets, so for now I can have no dog. Sometimes, though, I'd like to just be able to bury myself in the middle of a pile of dogs. It's like perfect love.
- Travel- It's scary, and amazing, and cool, and I love it.
- Perching- I love being up high. Roofs are one of my favorite places. The top floors of parking garages, lying back on the ledge, one leg over nothing, one foot on the parking deck. Sometimes I wonder if I'm half cat...
- Live music- Just 'cause
- Not owing anyone anything- I don't just mean money. I mean being totally even, no favors out, no lunch to reciprocate.
- Being around people like me- I don't think this one can ever actually happen.. I've never really met these people. Got close once, but I'm still a bit too crazy for them. Never thought that'd happen....
- Telling stories- Always in my head, somehow when I try to write them down they go wonky.
- having a relationship- Obvious, I'm sure. Partly I miss the physical stuff, but I also miss the general fun, talk-to-someone bits too. And cuddling.
- Seeing a shrink- Crazy, right? There's something about having someone you can tell just about anything that's really relaxing. Makes me happy, even if it doesn't fix anything else. Really, it's someone you can tell all the crap that bothers you, and they have to listen- for 50 minutes a week.
- Sailing- The harmony of sails and wind. Peaceful, terrifying, and it requires skill. There's a definite theme developing here.
I'm sure there are other things- like not living in a rat hole dump. But for now, that's a pretty good list, I think.
So how am I going to do it? That's what I've been thinking on. I want to do it all. Only going halfway to a dream seems like a waste to me, and I've done enough of that so far in life. The best way I've come up with so far is at least as terrifying as jumping out of perfectly good airplanes. The only way I know of to do everything I want in life is to write. Other people have other skills- painting, acting, business. I'm crap at sales, I haven't got the patience to paint (or the skill), and I'm waaaay too happy with my privacy to even think of chasing acting.
But writing I can do. I think. Well enough to make money off revenue share websites, anyway. Really, though, an article sold on one of the content websites is a bucket of balls, or a gallon of gas, or half a concert ticket. The advance on a book is a couple months' living expenses. A month's income from my other blog is a pretty good day in South America or SE Asia. A really crappy article I wrote (in 15 or 20 minutes) earned me enough for 7 ice cold *real sugar* cokes in East Africa.
So golf. I've got clubs, shoes, most of the clothes, a hat (super important), a glove, and enough free balls to keep a high school club going. All I need are green fees and buckets of range balls. the municipal course in Charleston County is $8 after like 4pm, as many holes as you can play until dark. Dunno about buckets of balls, though. $8 isn't much, I bet I could earn that much in an hour or so, just picking up stuff that's easy to write. Enough that I could (should?) be playing a round at least once a week, and hitting at least 2 buckets besides, by the middle of August.
Going fast is going to have to wait- my car is crap, and I can't afford a motorcycle just now. Plus, tickets are spendy. Eventually, though, I think a bike will take care of at least half my need for speed. And if that doesn't work, I can always learn to fly.
skydiving I'm putting on my list of things I want for holidays/ birthday. If no one else will get it for me, I'll get it for myself. I figure even I can come up with $20 a month, once I'm doing that work that terrifies me so much. Bungee is waiting for now. I know where I want to do that, and it's going to have to wait- I'm not ready to go back to NZ yet.
Dogs- I'd love to fix this one by hosting short term fosters, but the lease thing crops up. Not sure why RM#3 gets to have a lizard and I can't even borrow a big ball of cute, but whatever. I'll just have to visit them more. I think I'll work on coming up with extra gas money and offer my dog-ferrying services and crazy dog walking skills to the rescue. That way I get dog time, and they get help with the crazies. Dunno if I'm brave enough to ask if I can help, though....
Travel I want to start in February. I need a new passport and enough income before then that I'm not screwing over everyone I owe money to. I really want to be responsible. I spent the money, I need to repay it. But more than that, I need to travel, see new places, and be that interesting person I am when I don't care what people think about me. I figure I need about $3000 before taxes to keep afloat. More writer-ing, less wimpy fail-fear.
Perching is easy- just get on a roof. Not the roof here, though- I don't trust it to hold me, and who knows what's living in it. I should probably take up climbing, but... not now. Plenty of places to perch downtown, though. I'll just have to go more often.
I have an opportunity to go to a concert at the end of August (Apocolyptica, if anyone's interested) but it's in Atlanta, and it'll probably cost about $400 to go. It wouldn't be so much, but my car is crap, so I'd need a rental, plus gas, plus tickets, and probably a hotel room, since I'm not totally clear on the quality of hostels in Atlanta. It's important to me, though. I want it. I'm going to do it, damn it.
paying everyone off is going to take time. I try not to think about how much time right now, it just sends my stress levels up, and i don't sleep so good, or eat so good, or want to talk to people or bathe when that happens. And bathing and sleep are important. With my student loans in deferral and forbearance, it's like $1400 a month to pay all my bills and live indoors. Payign people back means making more than that.
I think the people like me thing will be solved at some point, but dunno when. Probably the same time I find a relationship that works and am travelling. But I think being in places that people more like me hang out would be a good start- so February when my lease is up I'm working on this one.
Telling stories is more of a way to do everything that makes me happy. It's kinda a all mixed in there deal. Not sure how anyone makes a living off their dreams though. Gotta say, life'd be a lot easier if I were one of those "marry money" type girls....
Relationship will happen if it's going to. I can really only just stop pushing people away so hard, and maybe try to meet people who actually interest me. Hard drinking, hard partying cooks are fun and all, but really not what I'm looking for in life, not even as Mr. Right Nows.
Seeing a shrink is expensive. I think for now I'll just go back to keeping a journal. Worst that could happen is it turning into a big tale of woe. Best that could happen is it makes me feel better. Live with what you got, right?
Sailing- I think this could be the new father/ daughter bonding activity. Hopefully by the end of next month I can start paying him back, and we can do monthly sailing trips. Not big stuff, just like a little rental around the harbor. Eventually, I want my own boat so I can take off to places that feel "right." Some places just *do*.
Um, right... So all of this basically hinges on me making some money. Ok, so it depends on me making what is, for me, a lot of money. I can do it by writing content for the interwebs. I don't want to do that forever, but for now...
I just need to get past the "wow, this is scary, what if I suck" part. But doing scary stuff seems to be something that makes me happy. Jumping off cliffs and seeing what happens works for me. This little, scared life doesn't seem to be working.
Now, to talk myself into really doing it. I'm gonna at least have 2 of those things going by the end of August. If I miss that show, I'll hate myself for at least 6 months.
The only thing holding me back is the same thing that always holds me back- fear. Sometimes I wish I were as ballsy and brave as strangers (and some friends) thing I am. I'd get so much more done. It's tough, though. Really, really tough. At this point, it's do the things that scare me (in a bad way) or miss out on all the things that I love, and waste the rest of my life. That would suck.
So I guess it's time to throw myself out into the abyss and hope I learn to fly before I hit an even deeper bottom than I've found so far.
Random much?
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