I've been in a bit of a mood, I guess you'd call it, lately. Trapped, lost, stuck, failing, old, wasted, basically depressed.
It's a good thing my family doesn't read this, actually....
Anyway, I'm not doing things that I know make me happy. Or if not happy, at least better. Things like flying down twisty roads in the dark at two or three times the speed limit. Or sitting on boulders hanging off the side of a mountain and watching the sea in the distance. Or riding roller coasters, or travelling, or even just laying on the beach at night by myself.
All of those are things that make me feel good. I haven't done any of them in years. No wonder I feel trapped.
I spend a lot of time trying to get other people to see that they've done something cool, or that they could catch some dream. I don't know if I don't think I deserve my dreams, or I just think they're too tough, but I spend no time at all talking myself into succeeding.
I realised it yesterday, actually. I was telling a friend that he'd had his writing accepted for pay. He's a professional writer now- he wrote for money. I still don't think of myself that way. I'm not even a "fake" writer, I just don't count it at all. Which is funny, since everything's been accepted so far with no revisions.
So I need to start doing things that make me happy. And I need to earn money. And I need to plan my life so I'm happy. Dave Ramsey might be all about the debt payoff, and that's great.
But I'm not a "get married, have kids, buy house, work, die" kinda girl. If that were my only set of options I'd move die up the list- a lot. So putting off having a life isn't for me. I've been doing it for years now, and I just get more miserable and convinced of my suckyness.
So that's what I'm gonna do- after I create $20 from nothing today, I'm going to make a list of stuff that makes me happy. And I'm going to start working on actually doing some of it. Because I want to be the confident, happy chick strangers see.
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