Makin' Money

I've been wondering for a while now if potential employers can sense that I don't want to work for them. I wouldn't be surprised if they can, I don't try that hard to hide it. Does anyone like working for other people? Doing unknown work for silly reasons, when and how someone else says to do it?

It's so not my thing, though I do try to pretend to be excited by the idea of it all. Obviously I'm an even worse liar than I thought.

So I'm switching focus a little. I need something that motivates me (like paying the rent) and that has a specific reward for a specific action (like money for doing x) to actually get things done. With the unknowns of payment and earnings and traffic with building a website very little gets done right now, the rewards are too vague.

I've been playing around with a little freelance writing (I *can* actually write, you know, despite all evidence to the contrary) and I think I'm going to put more time and energy into that for a little while. Between ghostwriting for peanuts at Text Brokers and writing for slightly more than peanuts at Demand Studios (if I ever get in there) I should at least be able to cobble together rent each month. Maybe in a couple months I'll have enough confidence to actually bid on jobs over at elance, rather than just looking at them.

That'll be a change from job hunting, which really just costs me money- money to keep my "nice" clothes clean, wear and tear on them and my car, gas for my car, junk food I buy when I'm out and about. I already have just about everything I need to write online for dollars (or pennies)- a computer, a keyboard, and an internet connection. If I need a book, well there's a library nearby. It'll mean I actually have to *do* my bookkeeping rather than just say I'm going to, but I needed to start doing that anyway.

I've been putting writing off for a long time. It's scary to think that my words will be judged by strangers. It's scary to rely on only what's between my ears for money- I've been sticking with what are basically labor jobs up until now. Knowing that all that stands between me and enough money to pay the rent is some serious time in front of the keyboard- it's a bit of a change in thinking. When I do this I'll be totally responsible for whether I fail or succeed.

I'm freaking myself out now.

Basically, though, knowing that all I have to do to pay the rent is write enough (coherent) words between now and the various payout dates to cover rent is... scary. I'm not dependable. I'm not hard working. Deep in my brain (or not so deep) there's this big screaming voice telling me I'm really not good enough or smart enough to get paid for something like that. Usually I'd listen to that voice- hard not to with how loud it is.

This time I'm going to ignore it. Not try to ignore it, but actually ignore it. I like writing more than I like working a job. I like it more than cleaning houses, or mowing lawns, or chasing strangers sticky screaming spawn (uh, I mean cute, adorable children, yeah, that's it). So long as there's work out there I can work. Two in the afternoon or two in the morning. In my pj's or in a ball gown. Eventually I might have enough regular clients to throw that off a bit, but right now it's all my choice.

And maybe, just maybe, writing filler for other people's websites and article marketing endeavors will give me the intestinal fortitude to write for myself and my own projects- those smutty romances won't just write themselves, you know.