That Stuff I Love and How I'll Do More of It

I've been slacking and thinking since Monday, about the stuff that makes me happy. Some of it's easy to do, even with no money- like hiking. Bunches of it takes money though.

So to some degree, to do the stuff that makes me happy I need more money. Or I guess, Any money.

So, stuff that makes me happy, but I haven't been doing-

• playing golf- I love golf. Something about the way the competition is set up. You never really play against other people in golf. I mean, sure, you keep score, and someone wins or loses each hole or round. But in golf the one you really play against is yourself. The quality of your swing, your headspace, your personal best... a nice tee shot... just you, the club, and the ball alone in a field of grass.
• Going fast- Maybe it's an ADD thing, but I love to go fast. In the car, on a roller coaster, in airplanes, on boats. Mainly cars, though. I love knowing the only thing standing between me and near certain death is skill and some rubber. I really want a motorcycle because of this speed thing, but I'm pretty sure that'd be a big ball of death. The very idea terrifies my mother. Somehow that just makes it better.
• Falling from the sky- terrifying, but the rush is... wow. Freefall rides, bungee jumps, skydiving. I've only done one of the three so far, but I want to do the other two. The scare, the rush... Just thinking about it calms a wild spot deep inside me.
• Dogs- The trust even strange, abused dogs give... the way they curl around you. It's something that I love. Without quality dog time I feel like half a person. Of course, dogs don't travel well, and my lease says no pets, so for now I can have no dog. Sometimes, though, I'd like to just be able to bury myself in the middle of a pile of dogs. It's like perfect love.
• Travel- It's scary, and amazing, and cool, and I love it.
• Perching- I love being up high. Roofs are one of my favorite places. The top floors of parking garages, lying back on the ledge, one leg over nothing, one foot on the parking deck. Sometimes I wonder if I'm half cat...
• Live music- Just 'cause
• Not owing anyone anything- I don't just mean money. I mean being totally even, no favors out, no lunch to reciprocate.
• Being around people like me- I don't think this one can ever actually happen.. I've never really met these people. Got close once, but I'm still a bit too crazy for them. Never thought that'd happen....
• Telling stories- Always in my head, somehow when I try to write them down they go wonky.
• having a relationship- Obvious, I'm sure. Partly I miss the physical stuff, but I also miss the general fun, talk-to-someone bits too. And cuddling.
• Seeing a shrink- Crazy, right? There's something about having someone you can tell just about anything that's really relaxing. Makes me happy, even if it doesn't fix anything else. Really, it's someone you can tell all the crap that bothers you, and they have to listen- for 50 minutes a week.
• Sailing- The harmony of sails and wind. Peaceful, terrifying, and it requires skill. There's a definite theme developing here.

I'm sure there are other things- like not living in a rat hole dump. But for now, that's a pretty good list, I think.

So how am I going to do it? That's what I've been thinking on. I want to do it all. Only going halfway to a dream seems like a waste to me, and I've done enough of that so far in life. The best way I've come up with so far is at least as terrifying as jumping out of perfectly good airplanes. The only way I know of to do everything I want in life is to write. Other people have other skills- painting, acting, business. I'm crap at sales, I haven't got the patience to paint (or the skill), and I'm waaaay too happy with my privacy to even think of chasing acting.

But writing I can do. I think. Well enough to make money off revenue share websites, anyway. Really, though, an article sold on one of the content websites is a bucket of balls, or a gallon of gas, or half a concert ticket. The advance on a book is a couple months' living expenses. A month's income from my other blog is a pretty good day in South America or SE Asia. A really crappy article I wrote (in 15 or 20 minutes) earned me enough for 7 ice cold *real sugar* cokes in East Africa.

So golf. I've got clubs, shoes, most of the clothes, a hat (super important), a glove, and enough free balls to keep a high school club going. All I need are green fees and buckets of range balls. the municipal course in Charleston County is $8 after like 4pm, as many holes as you can play until dark. Dunno about buckets of balls, though. $8 isn't much, I bet I could earn that much in an hour or so, just picking up stuff that's easy to write. Enough that I could (should?) be playing a round at least once a week, and hitting at least 2 buckets besides, by the middle of August.

Going fast is going to have to wait- my car is crap, and I can't afford a motorcycle just now. Plus, tickets are spendy. Eventually, though, I think a bike will take care of at least half my need for speed. And if that doesn't work, I can always learn to fly.

skydiving I'm putting on my list of things I want for holidays/ birthday. If no one else will get it for me, I'll get it for myself. I figure even I can come up with $20 a month, once I'm doing that work that terrifies me so much. Bungee is waiting for now. I know where I want to do that, and it's going to have to wait- I'm not ready to go back to NZ yet.

Dogs- I'd love to fix this one by hosting short term fosters, but the lease thing crops up. Not sure why RM#3 gets to have a lizard and I can't even borrow a big ball of cute, but whatever. I'll just have to visit them more. I think I'll work on coming up with extra gas money and offer my dog-ferrying services and crazy dog walking skills to the rescue. That way I get dog time, and they get help with the crazies. Dunno if I'm brave enough to ask if I can help, though....

Travel I want to start in February. I need a new passport and enough income before then that I'm not screwing over everyone I owe money to. I really want to be responsible. I spent the money, I need to repay it. But more than that, I need to travel, see new places, and be that interesting person I am when I don't care what people think about me. I figure I need about $3000 before taxes to keep afloat. More writer-ing, less wimpy fail-fear.

Perching is easy- just get on a roof. Not the roof here, though- I don't trust it to hold me, and who knows what's living in it. I should probably take up climbing, but... not now. Plenty of places to perch downtown, though. I'll just have to go more often.

I have an opportunity to go to a concert at the end of August (Apocolyptica, if anyone's interested) but it's in Atlanta, and it'll probably cost about $400 to go. It wouldn't be so much, but my car is crap, so I'd need a rental, plus gas, plus tickets, and probably a hotel room, since I'm not totally clear on the quality of hostels in Atlanta. It's important to me, though. I want it. I'm going to do it, damn it.

paying everyone off is going to take time. I try not to think about how much time right now, it just sends my stress levels up, and i don't sleep so good, or eat so good, or want to talk to people or bathe when that happens. And bathing and sleep are important. With my student loans in deferral and forbearance, it's like $1400 a month to pay all my bills and live indoors. Payign people back means making more than that.

I think the people like me thing will be solved at some point, but dunno when. Probably the same time I find a relationship that works and am travelling. But I think being in places that people more like me hang out would be a good start- so February when my lease is up I'm working on this one.

Telling stories is more of a way to do everything that makes me happy. It's kinda a all mixed in there deal. Not sure how anyone makes a living off their dreams though. Gotta say, life'd be a lot easier if I were one of those "marry money" type girls....

Relationship will happen if it's going to. I can really only just stop pushing people away so hard, and maybe try to meet people who actually interest me. Hard drinking, hard partying cooks are fun and all, but really not what I'm looking for in life, not even as Mr. Right Nows.

Seeing a shrink is expensive. I think for now I'll just go back to keeping a journal. Worst that could happen is it turning into a big tale of woe. Best that could happen is it makes me feel better. Live with what you got, right?

Sailing- I think this could be the new father/ daughter bonding activity. Hopefully by the end of next month I can start paying him back, and we can do monthly sailing trips. Not big stuff, just like a little rental around the harbor. Eventually, I want my own boat so I can take off to places that feel "right." Some places just *do*.

Um, right... So all of this basically hinges on me making some money. Ok, so it depends on me making what is, for me, a lot of money. I can do it by writing content for the interwebs. I don't want to do that forever, but for now...

I just need to get past the "wow, this is scary, what if I suck" part. But doing scary stuff seems to be something that makes me happy. Jumping off cliffs and seeing what happens works for me. This little, scared life doesn't seem to be working.

Now, to talk myself into really doing it. I'm gonna at least have 2 of those things going by the end of August. If I miss that show, I'll hate myself for at least 6 months.

The only thing holding me back is the same thing that always holds me back- fear. Sometimes I wish I were as ballsy and brave as strangers (and some friends) thing I am. I'd get so much more done. It's tough, though. Really, really tough. At this point, it's do the things that scare me (in a bad way) or miss out on all the things that I love, and waste the rest of my life. That would suck.

So I guess it's time to throw myself out into the abyss and hope I learn to fly before I hit an even deeper bottom than I've found so far.

Random much?

Do More Things that Make You Happy, not Less

Common sense, right?

I've been in a bit of a mood, I guess you'd call it, lately. Trapped, lost, stuck, failing, old, wasted, basically depressed.

It's a good thing my family doesn't read this, actually....

Anyway, I'm not doing things that I know make me happy. Or if not happy, at least better. Things like flying down twisty roads in the dark at two or three times the speed limit. Or sitting on boulders hanging off the side of a mountain and watching the sea in the distance. Or riding roller coasters, or travelling, or even just laying on the beach at night by myself.

All of those are things that make me feel good. I haven't done any of them in years. No wonder I feel trapped.

I spend a lot of time trying to get other people to see that they've done something cool, or that they could catch some dream. I don't know if I don't think I deserve my dreams, or I just think they're too tough, but I spend no time at all talking myself into succeeding.

I realised it yesterday, actually. I was telling a friend that he'd had his writing accepted for pay. He's a professional writer now- he wrote for money. I still don't think of myself that way. I'm not even a "fake" writer, I just don't count it at all. Which is funny, since everything's been accepted so far with no revisions.

So I need to start doing things that make me happy. And I need to earn money. And I need to plan my life so I'm happy. Dave Ramsey might be all about the debt payoff, and that's great.

But I'm not a "get married, have kids, buy house, work, die" kinda girl. If that were my only set of options I'd move die up the list- a lot. So putting off having a life isn't for me. I've been doing it for years now, and I just get more miserable and convinced of my suckyness.

So that's what I'm gonna do- after I create $20 from nothing today, I'm going to make a list of stuff that makes me happy. And I'm going to start working on actually doing some of it. Because I want to be the confident, happy chick strangers see.

The Power of Slacking

This article was supposed to be written almost 12 hours ago. I slacked hard core- think sleeping and drinking and wandering the house aimlessly.

But it wasn't all wasted time. I also wrote two articles for a content mill (about $4 worth), found out that my local grocer has discontinued my favorite non-dairy ice cream, and got half way through signing up for demand studios. I even talked a friend into signing up at one of the content mills, and he's also done about $4 worth of work.

So while I didn't do what I was supposed to (get a blog post up by 9am) I did do *something*.

I think that's kinda a key feature of slacking for me. When I'm driving hard at a goal, it's too tough to reach- it's a huge scary monster standing between me and what I want. When I say "ok, self, goof off now," that pressure is taken away and things just flow.

Now, I'm not saying that I don't need to pay the bills at the end of the month. I'm also not saying that endless slacking is good for anyone. But for me, sometimes, it gives me the freedom to just *do* something.

A sort of push past the fear, as it were. Now, I need to go write 3 more articles and fix up my resume before drinking time starts in an hour. I can do it, I'm sure- I'll just relax first!

I am a Big Hairy Wimp

True story-

I once had a chance to do something so cool, and amazing, and pretty much totally dream fulfilling, but I messed it up. I actually had a couple chances like that. And each time I forked it up. Not because I couldn't do it- whatever it was- but because I didn't even really try.

See, I'm convinced that even if I did try, I'd fail. Spectacularly, with pointing and laughing and humiliation. So one by one I've cut myself off from my dreams. All because I'm scared.

Scared I've picked the wrong career, scared I'm not smart enough to compete, scared I'll change my mind in ten weeks or months or years and have wasted all that time. Heck, I'm scared people will realize what a wimp I am, all shattered and lost. I'm even afraid to get in a relationship because I know that in 6 months or a year I'm going to be moving on and I don't think anyone could care enough for me to tag along.

So it should come as no real surprise that I'm afraid to write a simple little 200 word fluff piece. It's all that stands between me and work that, while not my dream, I wouldn't mind. Work that could pay my bills, if I did enough of it. 200 piddly words that probably won't even be read by more than one or two people.

All while I drop my big dark secrets all over the internet where anyone could find them.

There's a part of my brain that works right. It tells me I'm smart, and capable, and that I can write, or science, or travel, or love. It even tells me I need to gain a couple pounds, but that I look damned good anyway.

The rest of my brain, though? It's all about terror. I'm too fat, or too thin. I'll be blind before I figure out what I want. I only think I'm smart enough to write or succeed at school, I'm really near illiterate and unable to do even the simplest of things. I'm worthless, and someone is going to figure it out. I don't like that part of my brain.

The only time the bad brain isn't in control is when I've had a drink, or I'm running a fever, or it's been so long since I've slept that the tv talks back to me. Of course, sleep is tough to avoid, I hate being sick, and I'm more afraid of becoming an alcoholic than I am of being a big scared failure.

Is it any shock that the bad part of my brain shouts louder? Even knowing I should ignore it... it's still damned loud.

I just wish I could shut it off long enough to write that first piece.

Makin' Money

I've been wondering for a while now if potential employers can sense that I don't want to work for them. I wouldn't be surprised if they can, I don't try that hard to hide it. Does anyone like working for other people? Doing unknown work for silly reasons, when and how someone else says to do it?

It's so not my thing, though I do try to pretend to be excited by the idea of it all. Obviously I'm an even worse liar than I thought.

So I'm switching focus a little. I need something that motivates me (like paying the rent) and that has a specific reward for a specific action (like money for doing x) to actually get things done. With the unknowns of payment and earnings and traffic with building a website very little gets done right now, the rewards are too vague.

I've been playing around with a little freelance writing (I *can* actually write, you know, despite all evidence to the contrary) and I think I'm going to put more time and energy into that for a little while. Between ghostwriting for peanuts at Text Brokers and writing for slightly more than peanuts at Demand Studios (if I ever get in there) I should at least be able to cobble together rent each month. Maybe in a couple months I'll have enough confidence to actually bid on jobs over at elance, rather than just looking at them.

That'll be a change from job hunting, which really just costs me money- money to keep my "nice" clothes clean, wear and tear on them and my car, gas for my car, junk food I buy when I'm out and about. I already have just about everything I need to write online for dollars (or pennies)- a computer, a keyboard, and an internet connection. If I need a book, well there's a library nearby. It'll mean I actually have to *do* my bookkeeping rather than just say I'm going to, but I needed to start doing that anyway.

I've been putting writing off for a long time. It's scary to think that my words will be judged by strangers. It's scary to rely on only what's between my ears for money- I've been sticking with what are basically labor jobs up until now. Knowing that all that stands between me and enough money to pay the rent is some serious time in front of the keyboard- it's a bit of a change in thinking. When I do this I'll be totally responsible for whether I fail or succeed.

I'm freaking myself out now.

Basically, though, knowing that all I have to do to pay the rent is write enough (coherent) words between now and the various payout dates to cover rent is... scary. I'm not dependable. I'm not hard working. Deep in my brain (or not so deep) there's this big screaming voice telling me I'm really not good enough or smart enough to get paid for something like that. Usually I'd listen to that voice- hard not to with how loud it is.

This time I'm going to ignore it. Not try to ignore it, but actually ignore it. I like writing more than I like working a job. I like it more than cleaning houses, or mowing lawns, or chasing strangers sticky screaming spawn (uh, I mean cute, adorable children, yeah, that's it). So long as there's work out there I can work. Two in the afternoon or two in the morning. In my pj's or in a ball gown. Eventually I might have enough regular clients to throw that off a bit, but right now it's all my choice.

And maybe, just maybe, writing filler for other people's websites and article marketing endeavors will give me the intestinal fortitude to write for myself and my own projects- those smutty romances won't just write themselves, you know.

Start of Month Update- July 2010

Yay, new month, new goals. Well, some of them, anyway.

Starting out with mental/ physical health goals-

1. Try to meditate at least 2x a week, right after getting up, before using the computer
2. work out in some way (maybe try yoga or do basic ballet warm ups) at least 2x week
3. EAT

financial is next up, and pretty important

1. cancel WoW for now. If I can't afford cell phone time, I can't afford WoW.
2. Turn in *and check up on* at least two applications/ resumes a week. 4 is better.
3. Find, earn, or create (legally) enough money to pay the rent next month.

Then personal/ business-y

1. Write (other than blogs) at least once a day, even if it's only 5 words.
2. Claim, write, and turn in at least 1 article a week, no matter what.
3. Get local travel site up and running.
4. Break $1 a day average earning barrier online.

So that's what, 10 goals? Most pretty easy. Some a bit tougher. Some should just be basic, really. Some I'd have to try pretty hard to mess up, actually. Maybe it's cheating to give myself goals I almost have to meet, but I think I need that built in win. I really don't (you know, inside where it matters) know that I can do *any* of this stuff.

Yeah, there's some overlap between the items. there always is some overlap somewhere in life. I think I like this way, though. Someday, after all, I'll be able to pay the bills without wondering where the cash is coming from. I just have to work my way there. If fsking my mind is the only way to do that, then time for me to fsk away.

Update for June totals

On my June goal I came in $0.45 short for *the month*, with a daily average of 58.5 cents. Not bad, but not paying the rent, either. Does pay the WoW bill, though.