November! Goals, Needs, Crazynesses

Even on time for once.

I promised a certain money-lending parent type that if I wasn't making $25 a day by the 5th I'd begin looking for an "outside the house" job. So I need to make the dollars. And, of course, any day the total drops below $25 or the average for the days running up *to* that short day is under $25, I'll need to do the job-for-looking thing. Which I hate with a foul passion.

I also want (need?) to actually *win* NaNo this year. I like the idea of actually *finishing* something that big. Even if it *is* just 1667 words a day.

And (it's on my list/ sticker chart) I want/ eed to start writing the articles for the site that pays better. Even though I'm pretty much convinced they'll suck. Even though I'm scared. It just makes no sense at all to spend 30 or 40 minutes writing a crap 300 word article for $3 when I could spend 1.5 hours writing a *good* 300 word article for $20.

Hmmm. What else, what else...

My car needs an oil change. I suspect it's getting to the desperate point by ow, so that's on the "must have money for" list. My friendly friends at Sallie Mae are getting pretty sternly worded in their requests for money, so I need to get something to them soon. Or soon-ish, at least.

Oh, and I've begun scaling down my list of wants/ needs for this move-out of the country, start traveling the world thing I'm planning. To do it the way I want I'd need about $2000 before I go, plus a steady income of at least $1000 a month. Most of that pre-cost stuff is equipment, snazzy special stuff I don't actually *need*- well, not yet, anyway.

I still need a camera (thanks, washing machine), and a good lightweight backpack. And I *need* a working computer and a shiny new passport. I don't need a *new* computer, though. Or a video camera. Or the golf stuff- I can wait for that part of my dreamy trip. And cutting the possibility of golf out of my first 6 months or so cuts back (a lot) on the monthly expenses, too. $1000 a month in Mexico sounds like a tiny amount, but if I can find a cheap place to rent, don't go overboard with internet or food, $600 give or take a bit could work pretty well for a month.

I'll try to earn more, obviously. If I've got myself into a pretty solid "earn $800+ a month" groove, it won't be as much of a problem. If I'm still puttering along well under that, well... nothing like being stuck in another country for motivation, right?

So this month (November) I'll be writing- articles, outlines, synopsis', fiction. I'll be earning dollars (better be, anyway) or I'll be picking up seasonal work. Might do that anyway... I'm sure *someone* is looking for holiday cashiers... I just really don't want to.

Right, also hope to be sending off my passport renewal, doing some hands-on research for a backpack, and haunting my favorite charity shop for cashmere sweaters- better than fleece and cheaper, too.

Ack! I run away in barely more than 3 months and I haven't got *anything* ready yet!

Payment Day, But No Payment

So... I held off on this one, giving them a chance. I'm sure there's some reasonable reason for me not getting my paypal-ed dollars today from the ad network I use on teh other blog, but forked if I can figure out what it is. It's totally possible that they're sending me a check, having missed the bit where I decided (about 2 months ago, now) to skip the waiting and just use the electronic transfer-ness.

Which kinda sucked, since I had an appointment to go to, and not enough gas money for a round trip. And not enough money to pay for the appointment. (I did make it, BTW)

Magic Dad to the rescue.

Which makes me feel like crap, of course, and if I were able to be motivated right now, the idea of never calling him for money again would do it. Too bad motivation = 0 right now.

Anyway, he loaned me some more money, and I'm adding it to the list. I think I owe him about $4,000 right now. Wrote down what I remember and added it all up while I was waiting earlier today. That's almost 7 times the cost of my car. It's more than my smallest student loan.

So it feels like crap, but I'm glad he's there. And I think he likes being able to help without dealing with anything messy, and getting to pester me about what kind of late-retirement he expects. Looks like the state home is out. Oh wells.

Now if only the forking ad network would pay me....

That Stuff I Love and How I'll Do More of It

I've been slacking and thinking since Monday, about the stuff that makes me happy. Some of it's easy to do, even with no money- like hiking. Bunches of it takes money though.

So to some degree, to do the stuff that makes me happy I need more money. Or I guess, Any money.

So, stuff that makes me happy, but I haven't been doing-

• playing golf- I love golf. Something about the way the competition is set up. You never really play against other people in golf. I mean, sure, you keep score, and someone wins or loses each hole or round. But in golf the one you really play against is yourself. The quality of your swing, your headspace, your personal best... a nice tee shot... just you, the club, and the ball alone in a field of grass.
• Going fast- Maybe it's an ADD thing, but I love to go fast. In the car, on a roller coaster, in airplanes, on boats. Mainly cars, though. I love knowing the only thing standing between me and near certain death is skill and some rubber. I really want a motorcycle because of this speed thing, but I'm pretty sure that'd be a big ball of death. The very idea terrifies my mother. Somehow that just makes it better.
• Falling from the sky- terrifying, but the rush is... wow. Freefall rides, bungee jumps, skydiving. I've only done one of the three so far, but I want to do the other two. The scare, the rush... Just thinking about it calms a wild spot deep inside me.
• Dogs- The trust even strange, abused dogs give... the way they curl around you. It's something that I love. Without quality dog time I feel like half a person. Of course, dogs don't travel well, and my lease says no pets, so for now I can have no dog. Sometimes, though, I'd like to just be able to bury myself in the middle of a pile of dogs. It's like perfect love.
• Travel- It's scary, and amazing, and cool, and I love it.
• Perching- I love being up high. Roofs are one of my favorite places. The top floors of parking garages, lying back on the ledge, one leg over nothing, one foot on the parking deck. Sometimes I wonder if I'm half cat...
• Live music- Just 'cause
• Not owing anyone anything- I don't just mean money. I mean being totally even, no favors out, no lunch to reciprocate.
• Being around people like me- I don't think this one can ever actually happen.. I've never really met these people. Got close once, but I'm still a bit too crazy for them. Never thought that'd happen....
• Telling stories- Always in my head, somehow when I try to write them down they go wonky.
• having a relationship- Obvious, I'm sure. Partly I miss the physical stuff, but I also miss the general fun, talk-to-someone bits too. And cuddling.
• Seeing a shrink- Crazy, right? There's something about having someone you can tell just about anything that's really relaxing. Makes me happy, even if it doesn't fix anything else. Really, it's someone you can tell all the crap that bothers you, and they have to listen- for 50 minutes a week.
• Sailing- The harmony of sails and wind. Peaceful, terrifying, and it requires skill. There's a definite theme developing here.

I'm sure there are other things- like not living in a rat hole dump. But for now, that's a pretty good list, I think.

So how am I going to do it? That's what I've been thinking on. I want to do it all. Only going halfway to a dream seems like a waste to me, and I've done enough of that so far in life. The best way I've come up with so far is at least as terrifying as jumping out of perfectly good airplanes. The only way I know of to do everything I want in life is to write. Other people have other skills- painting, acting, business. I'm crap at sales, I haven't got the patience to paint (or the skill), and I'm waaaay too happy with my privacy to even think of chasing acting.

But writing I can do. I think. Well enough to make money off revenue share websites, anyway. Really, though, an article sold on one of the content websites is a bucket of balls, or a gallon of gas, or half a concert ticket. The advance on a book is a couple months' living expenses. A month's income from my other blog is a pretty good day in South America or SE Asia. A really crappy article I wrote (in 15 or 20 minutes) earned me enough for 7 ice cold *real sugar* cokes in East Africa.

So golf. I've got clubs, shoes, most of the clothes, a hat (super important), a glove, and enough free balls to keep a high school club going. All I need are green fees and buckets of range balls. the municipal course in Charleston County is $8 after like 4pm, as many holes as you can play until dark. Dunno about buckets of balls, though. $8 isn't much, I bet I could earn that much in an hour or so, just picking up stuff that's easy to write. Enough that I could (should?) be playing a round at least once a week, and hitting at least 2 buckets besides, by the middle of August.

Going fast is going to have to wait- my car is crap, and I can't afford a motorcycle just now. Plus, tickets are spendy. Eventually, though, I think a bike will take care of at least half my need for speed. And if that doesn't work, I can always learn to fly.

skydiving I'm putting on my list of things I want for holidays/ birthday. If no one else will get it for me, I'll get it for myself. I figure even I can come up with $20 a month, once I'm doing that work that terrifies me so much. Bungee is waiting for now. I know where I want to do that, and it's going to have to wait- I'm not ready to go back to NZ yet.

Dogs- I'd love to fix this one by hosting short term fosters, but the lease thing crops up. Not sure why RM#3 gets to have a lizard and I can't even borrow a big ball of cute, but whatever. I'll just have to visit them more. I think I'll work on coming up with extra gas money and offer my dog-ferrying services and crazy dog walking skills to the rescue. That way I get dog time, and they get help with the crazies. Dunno if I'm brave enough to ask if I can help, though....

Travel I want to start in February. I need a new passport and enough income before then that I'm not screwing over everyone I owe money to. I really want to be responsible. I spent the money, I need to repay it. But more than that, I need to travel, see new places, and be that interesting person I am when I don't care what people think about me. I figure I need about $3000 before taxes to keep afloat. More writer-ing, less wimpy fail-fear.

Perching is easy- just get on a roof. Not the roof here, though- I don't trust it to hold me, and who knows what's living in it. I should probably take up climbing, but... not now. Plenty of places to perch downtown, though. I'll just have to go more often.

I have an opportunity to go to a concert at the end of August (Apocolyptica, if anyone's interested) but it's in Atlanta, and it'll probably cost about $400 to go. It wouldn't be so much, but my car is crap, so I'd need a rental, plus gas, plus tickets, and probably a hotel room, since I'm not totally clear on the quality of hostels in Atlanta. It's important to me, though. I want it. I'm going to do it, damn it.

paying everyone off is going to take time. I try not to think about how much time right now, it just sends my stress levels up, and i don't sleep so good, or eat so good, or want to talk to people or bathe when that happens. And bathing and sleep are important. With my student loans in deferral and forbearance, it's like $1400 a month to pay all my bills and live indoors. Payign people back means making more than that.

I think the people like me thing will be solved at some point, but dunno when. Probably the same time I find a relationship that works and am travelling. But I think being in places that people more like me hang out would be a good start- so February when my lease is up I'm working on this one.

Telling stories is more of a way to do everything that makes me happy. It's kinda a all mixed in there deal. Not sure how anyone makes a living off their dreams though. Gotta say, life'd be a lot easier if I were one of those "marry money" type girls....

Relationship will happen if it's going to. I can really only just stop pushing people away so hard, and maybe try to meet people who actually interest me. Hard drinking, hard partying cooks are fun and all, but really not what I'm looking for in life, not even as Mr. Right Nows.

Seeing a shrink is expensive. I think for now I'll just go back to keeping a journal. Worst that could happen is it turning into a big tale of woe. Best that could happen is it makes me feel better. Live with what you got, right?

Sailing- I think this could be the new father/ daughter bonding activity. Hopefully by the end of next month I can start paying him back, and we can do monthly sailing trips. Not big stuff, just like a little rental around the harbor. Eventually, I want my own boat so I can take off to places that feel "right." Some places just *do*.

Um, right... So all of this basically hinges on me making some money. Ok, so it depends on me making what is, for me, a lot of money. I can do it by writing content for the interwebs. I don't want to do that forever, but for now...

I just need to get past the "wow, this is scary, what if I suck" part. But doing scary stuff seems to be something that makes me happy. Jumping off cliffs and seeing what happens works for me. This little, scared life doesn't seem to be working.

Now, to talk myself into really doing it. I'm gonna at least have 2 of those things going by the end of August. If I miss that show, I'll hate myself for at least 6 months.

The only thing holding me back is the same thing that always holds me back- fear. Sometimes I wish I were as ballsy and brave as strangers (and some friends) thing I am. I'd get so much more done. It's tough, though. Really, really tough. At this point, it's do the things that scare me (in a bad way) or miss out on all the things that I love, and waste the rest of my life. That would suck.

So I guess it's time to throw myself out into the abyss and hope I learn to fly before I hit an even deeper bottom than I've found so far.

Random much?

Equipment, or When Paying More Is Worth It

I am not at home this weekend. I'm dog sitting, so I don't have my computer, I have my mother's. It's not as nice, but it was free. It's also about 5 years old.

I could probably make it a worthwhile machine for $30 in RAM. It'd still be slow as all heck, since it's running windows and five years old, but it'd at least be able to keep up with running the OS, virus blocker, and loading web pages without a 20 minute wait.

This wouldn't work for me, though. Loading a page every 20 minutes is great if all you do is read some AOL mail, look at a couple of pictures of puppies, and sign off. I don't do that. I need to upload photos, stream video, and read blogs (I know, strange needs). When there's a 5 minute lag while something's loading to switch between tabs, that's just not gonna work- what I do at home in 20 minutes has taken me about 2 hours so far this morning, and there are no photos getting loaded anywhere.

While I'm here I'm going to pull their computer case open and see what's inside. I might have a few (free, from previous canibal jobs) parts that will speed things up. If not, at least I can see what they've got and point them in the right direction for picking up some things to fix it up a bit. I do most of their "advice" -type stuff already, might as well fix it up so they don't need to call as often.

Really though? To do something on the internet that earns money (or at least doesn't eat your whole day) you need more than they've got. I *could have* done it on my older laptop. It was designed for battery life and not woot 1337-ness, but it was faster, and sometimes a little upgraded- replacing RAM isn't that tough, even on laptops.

When a netbook able to run graphic intensive games is only $350, there's no real excuse to use something that doesn't work right. Sometimes you don't have the cash (that'd be me, now- but the library could fill in here), sometimes you don't know what you're running isn't enough (that'd be this machine I'm typing on now), and sometimes you just don't care (I don't understand this one, but know it exhists).

Really though, plumbers need pipe wrenches, taxi drivers need cars, and people who do stuff on the internet need computers that are able to do more than one thing at a time.

Should have just brought the desktop to begin with- or double checked that I had the power cord for my slow but still faster laptop. Oh well, live and learn and all that. I'll just bring the cord back with the ram.

The Idea of Nothing

I just had to turn down the chance to make $20. If my sister doesn't take it, I'm not sure what my dad's going to do, but it was an interesting conversation. It went something like this

Him: Want to make a quick 20 bucks running me around so I don't have to call a taxi?

Me: (silence)

H: Unless you have an interview, or something

M: No, just trying to figure out if I have enough gas to get over there.

H: Don't you have some cash lying around?

M: No...

H: What about your Credit Cards? You must have some money on one of them.

M: No, nothing available on my credit cards. I put a gallon in last week, and I'm trying to remember how far I've driven. I *might* have enough, but I don't want to get most of the way over there and run out.

H:No, that would be bad. You're sure you don't have any money? I guess I can call your sister and ask her then.

Gee, thanks. And to make it even better, about a minute after I get off the phone with him, I have my weekly chat with my buddies from Amex. They want to know if I can pay them my whole past due amount, since I've been with them ten or more eyars now with payments "like clockwork" and all. They'll even offer me this great hardship rate (which they may or may not be required to do by law), but I have to come up with a couple hundred dollars. Is there anyone I can borrow it from?

Um, hello? If I had anyone willing to lend me a couple hundred dollars I'd finish paying May's rent, put gas in my tank, and get $5 worth of fresh veggies. We still had the chat for a couple or 20 minutes. Fun fun.

Wonder what Visa thinks? I should probably take a call from them. You know, before they firebomb my rat trap car.

I really hope the G. money comes in soon. I'll use $20 for gas, soda, and veggies, instead of saving it for some un-named other online expense.

I still don't think my father quite understands what I mean when I say I have no money at all, though. I suspect he thinks i'm ducking driving him around. which is funny, because if I had enough gas to get the 26 or so miles to his place, I'd be on my way there, rather than writing this post.

Fork.

Oh, and speaking of this post, sorry it's late- I over slept, then had some drama.

Broke

I am broke. Not broken, not really. Just broke. Playing with numbers, I've no idea how I'm going to make my bills this month. Great. No idea when I'm going to get a job. No idea what I'll be making, or how short it will leave me.

In interesting news, my father offered to "invest" in an online venture with me- one where I do all the work and he provides the (seriously minimal) startup funds. And all he wants in exchange? 40% of gross.

Now, 40% of nothing isn't much. But this is a *good* subject, with enough interest that with even sad traffic he'd make back his "investment" in a year to a year and a half.

I don't know. I wouldn't want to do business with anyone without some kind of binding contract, written with real live paper, signed with ink (blood's icky). Business with family has a lot more opportunities to go bad. From his POV, of course, it's great- less than 3 hours income in exchange for either 40% before expenses, or the opportunity to say "I told you so". Win all around.

For me, not so much. I could come up with the money myself, and wait to put up a better designed site later. I could sell plasma until I had enough to do the site right from the start. I could (and need to, actually) subcontract through the 3 hotels in town that allow pets to do dogwalking, and have the money in a week or so. Then I do all the work, get to keep all the money, and avoid potential icky family drama.

I just don't know.

Stupid choices and jumping

There are people in the world who plan everything out. I'm sure you've met them, they know what they're wearing a week from next wednesday, eating for lunch tomorrow, and usually carry around a list.

I am not one of those people. I guess you could call me impulsive- when I see something and there's even the slightest chance it'll work out, I jump. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. I could say that there were plans, that I saved to move halfway around the world, that I thought out how everything was going to work, how I was going to pay for everything, and what I'd do if it didn't work out. But I mostly didn't, so that would be a big hairy lie.

I only really bring this up because I was thinking about it this morning, while trying to get a couple hours sleep. I've done it again, you see- jumping with little plan and next to no safety net. Only this time I sort of did plan, I just didn't leave myself much time to pull everything together.

Oh, and I quit my job and moved to a state with pretty seriously bad unemployment.

But mainly I jumped.

Laying in bed, thinking about what I need to pay, and where the money is going to come from, trying not to feel like puking blood (yay, stress!) is a pretty good way to make yourself regret jumping. So is talking to someone who has no idea why you're so gung ho on the exact budget that you're looking at for something. Talking to my father is like this. My monthly bills, so huge and overwhelming to me, are like nothing to him. He can't understand why I'm stressing out, why I don't just use my whole emergency fund to get a car.

Heck, he thinks I should get a loan and just get a better car.

I don't know if sitting him down and showing him where my cash goes, and what I need each month to break even now would get through to him. I don't know that he'd even really listen. After all, what's a couple hundred dollars here and there.

I just don't know.

"Coming out" about my debt to (mostly) total strangers on the internets is much easier than the idea of laying it all out for my family.

So, mostly total strangers on the internets, what would you do? Tell them with charts and graphs, or let everyone think all is puppies and roses, or some other option I just don't see right now?