Five Years Ago Today

Five years ago today I was on my way home for an adventure. I was halfway-ish between Wyoming and South Carolina, at a friends home in Kentucky. I had two days until my first wild flight, and the beginning of my first "real" adventure.

Two days later, on the 19th of December, 2005, I took off from Charleston. I spent the night riding the elevated trains in Chicago with the bums, before grabbing a spot at the booking computer in the lobby of the airport Hilton to book myself a spot to sleep the next night.

Five years ago I was wimpy, and scared, and more alive than I'd ever been before. I had almost total strangers telling me what a "ballsy" chick I was, how brave I must be, How they had AIDS in Africa, and I should be careful.

Five years ago I was planning to climb Kilimanjaro. I was going to see Cairo. I was spending a month in Africa, then three weeks at home, then moving *around the world* to chase my dream.

I didn't climb to the top of Kilimanjaro, but it didn't matter. I got extra sleep. I saw Lions and cheetah, and a leopard. Baboons went at it with wild abandon by the side of the road at the entrance to the Ngorongoro Crater. An elephant walked through our camp. We drank beer and roasted bananas, and laughed. I caught Malaria.

I like who I was five years ago. I was proud of that girl. She may have scammed her way into school, but *that* girl, she was going to do well, and ace everything, and live her dreams.

I'm not quite sure where she went. I haven't seen her in probably four and a half years. Back there somewhere, in the last 4 years or so, I let my dreams die. I let them get crushed under reality, and student loans, and debt. Maybe I never was that girl.

I was proud of that girl. I was proud to be her. And if maybe she was a little standoffish, and maybe she hadn't done the *whole* travel the world backpacking thing, I still think she could have been a backpacker.

I think, really, since I came back, I've just been existing. I don't really know what I want. I killed the dream I'd chased for years, probably half or more of my life. RAID kills bugs, I kill dreams.

I don't know really what I want to do with the rest of my life. I just know who I want to be. I want to be that girl who chases her dreams, striking high-fashion poses covered in grime. I want to be proud of me again.

How My Slacker Attitude is Helping Me Get Stuff Done

Right now I am (still) trying to figure out what I'm doing next year. Am I wandering off into the wilds of Mexico and Central America, or am I going for a really long walk?

I've pretty much slacked this whole year. I'll admit it. I quit my job back in January, and until about two weeks ago had earned maybe $300. All Year.

So I know what doing nothing at all and feeling bad about it looks and feels like. I know what sort of things make me less likely to do something. I know what makes me *more* likely to do something. I also know the idea of daily production at a set rate gives me brain-hives.

As much as writing short articles for $3 each works for other people, and as much as I wish I could pay all my bills writing easy articles forever, I have to accept that I'm just not interested in writing 5000 words a day on office chairs. It's something I've been looking at for a while now, but I've reached the "Start making things happen now, or be stuck here another year" point.

So what have I done? I've:

• signed up at Commission Junction, so when I get my "real" site built I can put something on it. 
• Changed around my other blog, dropping the advertising network I've been using
• worked out an upfront to residual balance that works for me- every article I write for upfront pay, I write one for myself to toss up on hubpages or ezine arts, or my own webpage
• made lists of upfront costs, and what I need to do each of my two surviving plans for next year (bare-bones-style)
• written most of a halfway decent first chapter (longhand), and mentally mapped out where I want those characters to go.
• sketched out three or four new book ideas as they wandered past
• re-set my goals to match what I *really* want and can get now.

Most of that happened since Thanksgiving, so in about a week. Compared to what I've done over the last month, it's really pretty good. I'm also trying not to think about what I *should* be doing. I'm working on setting an alarm, and just doing what I said I'd do for that couple hours. 

Oh, and I've given myself permission to stop writing articles for upfront pay when I have enough to cover the month. So I don't have an endless stretch of 3 dollar SEO articles reaching out before me. As soon as I can pay the rent, put food in my stomach and gas in my car (with some for the tax man, of course), I can stop.

Makes writing them so much easier. Now instead of "Just three more and I don't have to write anymore today" it's "just $30 more and I can stop writing these things for the month." Remarkably motivating.

Which leaves me with my choice for next year. Do I "move" to Mexico, or walk from Georgia to Maine? Mexico will (probably) always be there and it's been on my list for about 10 years. The hiking trip's been on my list (way up near the top) since I was probably 14, so over half my life now. It will, of course, also be there later. But will I be interested in taking the time to do it later?

Either way, I need about $500 a month coming in without any real direct work from me. And *that's* what's really motivating me right now. Back to work time.

I Have Some Motivation, Kinda

Some famous guy, somewhere in the past (I think it was a writer) once said something like "the trick to getting things done is to have something you want to procrastinate on *more* than the thing you need to get done." Give or take.

I've found that thing. Well, ok, I've found dozens of those things, and dozens of things to do instead of them. Really, though, I've gone and done something so terrifying that I now *have to* do something.

I made a twitter account for the website I haven't actually built yet. And then I followed people with it. And it points people to the website. The not-yet-up website...

Um, yeah.

So now I *really really* have to get the website going. And you know what? I did a bit of work on it. Not much, but some. I see where I could go with it, what directions I can (maybe) take it. And I now risk people showing up at my empty, not yet search engine-listed website.

Which makes that now the biggest scariest thing in my entire list of stuff I have to get done. I promptly started thinking about story ideas, and will now probably be writing all day. Not what I *need* to be doing- I need to be making money. Closer, though, and better than watching tv or playing games.

Other than writing for NaNoWriMo, all the writing I have to do/ can do is internet content. Most of that pays crap. The content for my website will pay all of nothing until I get traffic and advertising, and who knows what else (i actually do know, really, just not getting into it now). Hopefully, though, I can switch between these terrifying things enough to get a bunch of work done on each of them. Heck, I wrote a bunch of articles earlier this week for $2 each. I can write articles for nothing.

In other news, operation "find a temporary, craptastic seasonal job" seems to have hit a wall. Again. If I weren't the "fall off the ladder" type I'd put an ad in Craigslist offering to help put up lights. But yeah, I'd fall off, break something important, and be worse off than I am now. Meh.

November! Goals, Needs, Crazynesses

Even on time for once.

I promised a certain money-lending parent type that if I wasn't making $25 a day by the 5th I'd begin looking for an "outside the house" job. So I need to make the dollars. And, of course, any day the total drops below $25 or the average for the days running up *to* that short day is under $25, I'll need to do the job-for-looking thing. Which I hate with a foul passion.

I also want (need?) to actually *win* NaNo this year. I like the idea of actually *finishing* something that big. Even if it *is* just 1667 words a day.

And (it's on my list/ sticker chart) I want/ eed to start writing the articles for the site that pays better. Even though I'm pretty much convinced they'll suck. Even though I'm scared. It just makes no sense at all to spend 30 or 40 minutes writing a crap 300 word article for $3 when I could spend 1.5 hours writing a *good* 300 word article for $20.

Hmmm. What else, what else...

My car needs an oil change. I suspect it's getting to the desperate point by ow, so that's on the "must have money for" list. My friendly friends at Sallie Mae are getting pretty sternly worded in their requests for money, so I need to get something to them soon. Or soon-ish, at least.

Oh, and I've begun scaling down my list of wants/ needs for this move-out of the country, start traveling the world thing I'm planning. To do it the way I want I'd need about $2000 before I go, plus a steady income of at least $1000 a month. Most of that pre-cost stuff is equipment, snazzy special stuff I don't actually *need*- well, not yet, anyway.

I still need a camera (thanks, washing machine), and a good lightweight backpack. And I *need* a working computer and a shiny new passport. I don't need a *new* computer, though. Or a video camera. Or the golf stuff- I can wait for that part of my dreamy trip. And cutting the possibility of golf out of my first 6 months or so cuts back (a lot) on the monthly expenses, too. $1000 a month in Mexico sounds like a tiny amount, but if I can find a cheap place to rent, don't go overboard with internet or food, $600 give or take a bit could work pretty well for a month.

I'll try to earn more, obviously. If I've got myself into a pretty solid "earn $800+ a month" groove, it won't be as much of a problem. If I'm still puttering along well under that, well... nothing like being stuck in another country for motivation, right?

So this month (November) I'll be writing- articles, outlines, synopsis', fiction. I'll be earning dollars (better be, anyway) or I'll be picking up seasonal work. Might do that anyway... I'm sure *someone* is looking for holiday cashiers... I just really don't want to.

Right, also hope to be sending off my passport renewal, doing some hands-on research for a backpack, and haunting my favorite charity shop for cashmere sweaters- better than fleece and cheaper, too.

Ack! I run away in barely more than 3 months and I haven't got *anything* ready yet!

I Has A Schedule!

[insert cat photo here]

Tuesday night I made a schedule. I also wrote down goals (about 10) for November and numbered them 1-5. Work and money related goals, anyway. And a graph/ chart thingy to color in as I earn money, to try and make it seem a bit more real/ do-able.

Dunno how much it's going to help. Maybe if I manage to fill most of it in *this* month, it'll be easier *next* month? Right now it looks like a big empty grid with two lonely little squares filled in down in one corner.

Meanwhile, I was off the schedule (time-wise) by the end of the day I wrote it. So I've mostly tossed the times. Plan out my day from 5:30AM until 7PM? ick. Doomed to FAIL.

So now it says wake up and blog at 5:30 (kinda fail there, too, but close enough...), then I added a NAP, then after that my "work" day starts.

It's still a *long* list of stuff, and I'm really bad at feeling good about it, or like I got anything done. Which is silly, b/c I've done *at least* 3 things on the list every day.

They just aren't the ones that make me money right now, so they don't feel like I'm getting anything done. Maybe I need to make another chart/ grid- with my daily goals on it in a list, with a box for each every day, and put star stickers on them when I meet each goal (say, green star for "tried", red, blue, silver for 25, 50, 75% of goal, and gold star for anything I actually get *all the way* done) like a kindergarten class or little kid's chore chart.

I even have the stickers already...

Actually, I'm going to do that. I'll tape it up next to my bed above the "goals/ schedule/ income chart" already up there. Er, or rather, where the headboard would be, if I had one...

Hey, it's a good spot, and tough to miss or avoid.

Question/ Wondering

Do I keep writing (not enough) articles at TB, even though they take a long time, pay crap, and are totally dis-interesting?

Or do I put on my big-girl pants and come up with my own topics to sell on Constant Content?

I'd have to (obviously) keep writing the penny a word articles until I am making enough sales to pay the bills (something I'm not even doing on TB), but putting up *one* article a day there could eventually kill the need for 7-10 articles at TB.

Which sounds pretty darned good to me.

Problems are:

• I'm not confident that I'll make it past ed. review at CC
• I don't have any idea what to write
• I don't know if I could keep coming up with subjects
• I'm scawed!

Um, ok, so fear is, I'm told, a bad reason not to do something.

Still, the bar is set *really* low at TB. What if I'm not good enough? What if I get banned on my first try? What if I manage to write on the only subjects *ever* with no interest in them *at all*?

Of course, the best way to get over all that stupid fear and what-if-ing is to just write the dratted things already. Just write something and send it in, right? That's what writers do. That's what anyone who wants to buy food and pay rent and get the oil changed does. It's what *I* need to do.

If I could write *one* article a day for CC and get it accepted, I'd be better off than I am now. If 1/3rd of the articles that I wrote and posted were sold, I'd be better off than I am now. If I wrote, submitted, and had accepted *3* articles a day? If 1/3rd of *those* sold in the first month? I'd be able to pay the rent, buy food, *and* get the oil changed, plus at least one other bill- all in the *same* month.

3 TB articles a day? I'd be lucky if I could manage just the food...

It makes so much sense to write for c-c... Why am I not doing it?

Money and Choices

It's a good thing I've got a lot of goals. If I didn't I'd be stuck with no idea what to do in February.

After playing with the numbers some more (or a lot more, actually) I'd have to stay in Haiti more than 6 months before breaking even with going to Mexico.

So that means Haiti is out of the running (unless a huge random pile of money shows up next week...).

Hiking is also not looking so good. Insurance for a trip that takes place in the US would run me a couple thousand dollars, plus food, plus transport, plus housing between the beginning of February and whenever I started hiking. I'd pretty much never get it under $1k a month right now, average.

If I didn't have to get equipment (and I had insurance) it'd be a different story, but as it stands hiking is out for now.

So, Mexico.

Need to get to work so I can afford even that. If I can get my passport renewal in the mail by the end of November I'll save a pile of money. So that's my first goal. Then start adding in equipment. And tickets. And all the other fun stuff.

Then, at the beginning of February, I go. I think.

Which will give me about 3 months there before I need to be making enough to support myself (again) *and* pay my student loans. Which aren't quite as bad as I expected them to be.

It's really easy to figure out what to do when you start with 3 choices and can only afford one.

Ack, It's Wednesday, and Decision Time, Too!

I'm starting to think I need some kinda calendar or something, that beeps or throws stuff at me on set days of the week.

So... I'm trying to do a bunch of different things right now. I'm trying to get myself earning enough money to pay the bills. I'm trying to set up some kind of ongoing residual income stuff. I'm working on my budget (sad and seriously underfunded though it may be). I'm trying to make myself set up a website that I see a real need for, and that I've been planning and half-assing for *months* now.

But I'm also trying to do and work on and decide some other stuff, too.

I need to figure out what I'm doing for NaNo. I need to work on getting an idea ready, to the point I can finish this year.

Also, I've got a possible opportunity to do something really cool next year. It's got some serious up-front costs, though. To take this "job", I'd have to get all that stuff up there that I'm trying to do for and with money done. Like, now, so I can go.

Basically, a group I've been following has a pretty big volunteer set up going in Haiti. I've been interested in what they're doing since I first heard about them. But between getting down there and the extra equipment I'd need, it's something like $3000 before I even get there. And because they work *full* days doing demolition and rebuilding, I wouldn't be able to even *pretend* to supplement my income with crappy cheap article writing. It just takes too long. I'd have time to do something like work on a website (if I could upload at the end, so I didn't need the wifi the whole time I was working), or work (slowly) on fiction work.

No way to even pretend to put in full days writing web content for other people.

Of course, the while-you're-there expenses are pretty low, too...

I have three or four other possibilities.

There are a good dozen things I want to do, but most get cut off by monthly costs.

I've already decided that to work, the options have to all last (ideally) at least 4 months, cost less than $1000 per month, and not involve sitting on my butt in front of a computer all day.

The first option is, probably, the one with the lowest up-front cost. The trip to Mexico, followed by points south. Plenty of time to work with this option, and plenty to see as well.

The second might not even fit into the budget, I need to price stuff out more- Hiking the AT (with or without my fuzzy half brother). This is the *only* life-goal interest in the US that *might* fit my budget. Insurance (or not having insurance) could push the cost too high, though. Very easily. Also, pretty much no chance to do internet *or* writering stuff while hiking. Even the lightest of computers is heavier than what I want to carry for 2300 miles.

Third option I'm looking at (that would battle with even *applying* for the Haiti trip) is Thailand. It's expensive to get there, visa fees are high, but once over there prices are pretty solidly low, there's a large network of people doing "internet stuff" (and probably "writer stuff," too) to hook up with for in-person motivation and competition. Again, good work time availability, but also plenty of distractions.

Thailand is honestly sitting in a pretty distant last place right now. Depending on what my price research turns up (and if I can find insurance that'll cover an otherwise uninsured american hiking in the US) the AT hiking might be out, too.

So really, the choice (so far, I think) is between volunteering in Haiti (if I apply and get accepted) and starting a tour of the Spanish speaking (non-island) Americas.

I dunno....

If You Won The Lottery

Not that I have- that would be a sign Santa loves me. At this point I'm starting to think that 6 year old was right and Santa's a fake...

The point is, I like to make a list of what I'd do, or *think* I'd do if I ever won some huge pile of money.

Not how I'd go get it, or setting up trusts or anything like that. But what I'd actually *do*.

I think it gives a pretty good idea of what people want from life.

So, if I ever won the lottery I'd (in approximate order):

• Pay off everyone and everything that I owe
• give my parents a chunk of money
• set money aside for my sister to pay out as she works, or to pay for school, but without giving her direct access
• book tickets to NYC and Europe
• renew my passport (if needed)
• see Apocalyptica in concert
• go to Florida or California and ride roller coasters every day for a week
• invest almost everything so I'd not have to worry again
• hike the Appalachian Trail (with or without a borrowed dog)
• blog
• spend a year travelling and donating money all over the world
• keep doing the internet thing
• open a hostel
• backpack around the world for as long as I want
• write books
• live in NY, SF, London, LA

Obviously that's a "huge pile of money" winning lotto- the "dream" amount. With $200k I'd pay off my debts, then hike the AT and backpack, while building an online business/ writing. $10k and I'd just start with backpacking and the business/ writing. $100 or less makes no real difference to my life- I'd buy more soda or extra gas.

But it shows me what interests me, what I want to do with my life. If I could pay off everything I owe in one swell foop, I'd be all over that. It's a long range goal. If I could donate piles of money to causes, groups, even people that I think need it, I'd do that. Another long range goal.

Some of them I can do *now*, tho- blogging, building a business that can eventually earn enough to let me do those more expensive goals, working on a book, preparing to, saving for, and taking off on a long term backpacking or hiking trip. A lot of my goals aren't expensive.

If I were more of a stay in one place kinda girl, I'm sure there'd be smexy cars and houses and pool boys and whatnot on that list. I'm sure eventually I'd get at least one of them. Heck, my dream car is less than $100k US with every possible upgrade. (drool, drool, lust...) But that's not something I think about in a daily kinda way.

If I don't plan to settle anywhere in the next 5 years, why would I need a house? If I'm globe hopping, why would I need a car? If I don't have a house, why on earth would I need a pool boy?

Sure, at some point I'll probably want a better place to keep my accumulated stuff (not that there's really that much of it) other than Dad's garage, Mom's shed, or a rented storage unit. Some day I might not have those options. For now, though, and in my goofy bills-paid dream world, that time hasn't come yet.

So what I seem to want in life are experiences, do-goodering, freedom from debt... And the sexy car. Other than the *huge piles* of donated cash, most of the rest of it seems pretty achievable.

What does your Dream/ Lottery/ Life list look like?

Last week's goals and a break.

So, I basically met none of last week's goals.

I have nothing money-wise going on until the 6th of October, so I'm gonna let this site rest for a week or so. It seems the only things I ever have to write about here are "I have x,y,z goals. I failed to meet any of them", and about not having money. Not much to write about there. Honestly, I don't think anyone wants to read about "I have $6 in the bank, and no gas in the car." It gets old, right?

So I'm setting 1 goal for me between now and next Wednesday. It's super easy.

I have a pill I have to take every day. My goal is to actually take that pill *every day*.

Oh, yeah, and when I get the crazy urge to work, I need to try to actually *work*, not talk myself out of it by opening a new book, doing laundry, or cooking something. When my brain says "work", I need to at least *try* to listen.

But that one's not so much a "this week" goal, more a lifetime-type goal.

So yeah, taking a break here. I'll be back on the 6th. Or maybe the 8th.

Goals for Sept 20-27

This is super late today, I know. My sister's car broke down (fixed now, finally) so I've been ferrying her about, and spent a good part of the day with my mom.

Last Week-

Last week I actually got some stuff done, which is kinda surprising to me, 'cause I spent most of the week getting used to shiny new medicine. Which is doing what it's supposed to--motivation crawled up from around a -2 last Monday to a current high of 3 (yay). I also now accept that I need caffeine to work. Without it I get *nothing* done, with it I at least do *something*.

Last week I managed (kinda) 3 goals. I came in short (very short) on all writing goals. I did, however, manage to:

1. Drink water,
2. Go to my appointments, and
3. Do research on other blog/ site ideas.

I also played too much farmville (losing interest again, *finally*) and stared at the ceiling a lot.

This Week-

So it turns out that you aren't actually a writer unless you write. I've got the drinking water thing down now, meetings and whatnot are under control, and research without action (or pay) is really just play. So this week's goals are:

1. Get blog posts up on time every day.
2. Write 300 words each, every day, for textbroker, Constant Content (spec) articles, my travel website, and a fun fiction project.
3. Work on HoboTraveller's 200 word list for Spanish, then expand it with other words I already know. Add 10 "new" words a day.

That's it. I *should* be able to manage all of those. 300 (1200) words a day is possible, even if it's pure crap. My Spanish listening is much better than my speaking, and my reading a bit better than that, so for now I'm trying to figure out where I am with all that and bring it together.

Oh, and one other "goal"- No TV until I hit my minimum word count for the day.

That look a bit more manageable? I think it does, anyway.

Goals for Sept 13-19

First, let me just say, wow, I suck at meeting goals.

So I drank water. And I Looked at camcorders. What I didn't do? Meet writing goals at TB, write anything for CC, outline or write the first chapter for the novel contest. I don't even know what I'm writing about for it yet, and the deadline is next Wednesday. Yikes.

This week, then. "Easy" goals first:

• 2 hours writing for TB, even if it's only one article, every day.
• Drink water
• go to my appointments

Medium goals:

• 1 article for CC
• get travel site set up, write text for homepage.
• Do research for other site/ blog ideas- keywords, competition, perks, etc.

Stretchy/ reachy goals:

• Write chapter for New Voices competition
• Write $500 worth of articles for TB
• Spend 1/2 hour a day on learning spanish
• Write "pages" information plus 5 articles for travel site

I think that looks good. I *can* do all my easy goals, though one will take more work. I should be able to do at least 2 of my medium goals, and I'm shooting for at least 1/2 of one of my stretchy/ reachy goals. It's like a goal within a goal. Oh well, one thing at a time, right?

Goals for Sept 6 - Sept 12

First, a quick update on last week's goals. So far I really only managed part of one of my goals last week. I drank lots of water, but not quite 3 bottles a day. I have until the end of the day today to get an article to CC for the challenge I have going with a friend, so that one isn't quite done yet.

This week!

Holiday weekends are slow at textbroker for finding articles- weekend writers get an extra day to work and clients seem to take the weekend off. A few articles have been loaded in the last couple days, but no where near as many as are being written.

So Goals!

• Write 4 hours at TB every day, or until I earn $30, which ever happens first. I think this will take some of the pressure off me to have "ZOMG millions!" by the end of every day.
• Come up with at least 5 article ideas for CC, and write one of them.
• Outline (vaguely) a story idea for HM&B's New voices comp.
• Write rough first chapter (~4k words) for contest by Thursday. No editing/ fixing this week.
• Compare cameras/ camcorders for trip, build list of possibles, collect prices.
• Water!

I think that will do. It's a boat load of work, but at least half the "work" is fun stuff.

Goals for Aug 30th - Sept 5th, 2010

In the spirit of Weekly Goals, and smaller Daily Goals, this week I want to:

• Finish every article I claim. They are never as bad as I think.
• Write at least 4 articles before each break. Each extra article I'll extend my break by 5 minutes.
• Use a timer while writing and taking breaks.
• Write and submit an article at Constant Content. This is in competition with a friend, and I *will not lose*!
• Earn enough before roll-over to pay the rent, car insurance, and have some gas and food money left over.
• Drink at least 3 bottles of water a day.

I think that looks good. Two are easy, two challenging but ok, and two are a heck of a stretch.

Escape is Expensive

I'm starting to plan my escape. It's coming up pretty fast now, and I need to make sure it's still manageable.

I'm sure it seems irresponsible to some people (like my father) or dangerous (to just about everyone else), but really, travelling won't be that much worse, financially, than staying where I am. In some ways it's much, much better.

Just... this starting out bit is going to be expensive. I need to either fix my laptop or replace it with a super cheap netbook. I need a new camera, a small travel bag for my golf clubs (yes, they're coming with me), shoes, clothes, a backpack, insurance, tickets, and shiny new passport...

It's at least $1500 worth of stuff, and I keep seeing new things that would work really well, and be super useful. The worst part is, the things I need- clothes, for the most part, are more expensive when they're designed for women or travel. Women's travel clothes are, therefore, about twice as expensive. Pleh.

So, with all these expenses, how will I manage? I've got to start cutting. I think I know what I want/ need for clothes, and i'll start hunting the thrift stores for the few things I might be able to find- like a scarf, sweater, lightweight black skirt. I'll watch the interweb for sales on the clothing items I need/ want, and reconsider my shoe setup.

Still thinking about the laptop/ netbook thing. Parts to fix the laptop will be at least $200, a cheap netbook with decent battery life and nice low weight can be had for less than $300. Don't know which is better, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

What did I mean when I said taking off could be better for me financially?

I won't have a car, or the expenses that come with it. I won't have traditional US-style lack of health insurance--travel health insurance covers accidents and whatnot, so if something happens I won't end up thousands of dollars deeper in debt. There may be tax savings, there's less to buy, expenses are (for the most part) lower. So long as I don't take up scuba diving my monthly expenses should be no more than what they are here.

And my work (such as it is) is already online.

Until then, though, I need to keep making my lists, cutting them down, and stretching out the extra bits of cash I can find in my budget. Funny, even with all the "expense" and gear the pre-trip expense is less than first, last, and deposit on an apartment.

Pleh and Double Pleh!

Staying in the US is expensive. Leaving is expensive too. Not as much over the long term, but with the list of things I either want or need to bring with me, it's looking kinda spendy.

Of course, some of it I'd be doing anyway. Things like renewing my passport, hunting down a 1 iron, getting a new camera. A bunch of it, though, is really travel-specific. I need to get a new backpack that's lighter and in better shape than the one I have now. I need a new laptop, or at least a new screen and refurb for the old one. I need sleep sheets, and travel vax, and clothes that are good for golf or touring. I need those golf-able clothes to be at least mostly something I'd normally choose to wear.

All together, including all that stuff up there and transportation to my starting point, I need about $1800 to $2500 worth of stuff. I can cut corners in a couple places, and some stuff I over estimated. Still- I want to be going again by the middle of January. That's not very long.

Oh well, the travel will be about the same cost as staying at home, I'll at least have *some* kind of insurance, and maybe I'll finally smoosh some Spanish into this brain of mine.

One major plus if I begin in Mexico? Spending the same on rent there as I do here will get me at least a studio apartment. No roommates.

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?

People ask kids that every day. Maybe not the same kid, but someone, somewhere, asks that. After I got over the fact that I wasn't *really* a princess (which was a bit of a shock, and still hasn't totally worn off) I decided I wanted to be retired.

Now, I get the feeling that not a lot of kids go around saying that. I'd imagine it's mostly adults that want to be retired when they grow up. But from what I saw, work sucked! Mom and Dad would go to work super early, stay there all day, come home exhausted and angry, and have to do it all again the next day. Who wants to do that? In contrast my (retired) grandparents watched TV, went to art classes, joined clubs, and generally had an ok time. Doesn't take a genius to figure out which is the better job.

When people ask what you want to be when you grow up they expect a certain type of answer- doctor, fireman, police officer, video game designer. If you tell them you want to be retired, they look at you funny and tell you retirement comes *after* work. Pretty sure I'm still not buying that. It's one of only three things I've ever wanted to be, though. In fact, it's probably the most attainable. Well, for now.

Being a novelist, after all, requires actually writing a novel- preferably a good one. And animal doctoring? Takes a whole lot more geographic stability (and classroom time) than I can manage right now. I think I proved that one pretty conclusively, at least. So that leaves retirement.

Problem is, I don't want to put it off, and I don't want to work like a dog to fund it. Everything else I've done has really been trying to fit my dream job into some kinda framework that other people thought would be ok. Now I'm trying to work some way of earning money into my dream. I think it works better this way.

Kinda funny, though. Every time I told someone what I wanted to be when I grow up (still hasn't happened) they'd tell me you couldn't do that. I don't remember anyone (before I learned to lie about it) suggesting ways to make it happen. Maybe it's a bit forward thinking of me, or obviously liberal, but you shouldn't have to hate your life for years before you get to chase your *real* dreams.

Heck, without dreams and dreamers we'd still all be living in caves. Un-painted, boring caves. Imagine you're a kid again. You can do or be *anything*. What is the one thing that pulls you hardest? Is there any way you could do it now?

Start of Month Update- August 2010

Sorry this was a bit delayed- trying to earn the big bucks take time, I guess- well, at a panny a word it does, anyway.

So goals for August are pretty much all money related. I'm gonna take the relaxing, meditating, exercising stuff off for now, because I don't do them, then I feel bad. So I'm dropping them, but I'm sure they'll be back eventually.

So, goals-

• Make enough to pay the bills this month- including (at least) $100 for dad, and the car insurance which is up at the end of the month.
• Write enough articles at textbroker each day to make $50
• Write and submit at least one perfect, clean article a week to Constant Content * (so 3 or 4 this month)
• No matter what, even if all the available article titles at tb suck, write at least one article
• Start working within 2 hours of waking up- every day.
• Write at least one 300 word article for my travel page a day, starting Saturday.
• Get said website actually up and running with at least 10 pages by the end of the month, with 5 up by the 15th.

And some longer range stuff that I need to work on-

• Passport photos, and renewal
• Price digital cameras to replace the one I killed
• Price netbooks for when I take off again
• Start putting together packing list/ to do list for trip
• Save for that trip
• Get other student loans on either forbarence or income based repayment.
• work on timelines for trip-type departure. Looking at December or January.
• Do more research RE: budgets where I'm looking to start out. Connect with people in those areas, find out realistic prices.
• Work on Spanish.

I think that's enough to keep me busy. Some of this is a bit fantasy at the moment. I'm trying to figure out how much I can pull off. I should be able to travel for about what I live on now, albeit in a rather super-budget-kinda way. I'll have to actually *work* on it now, though. Hopefully the idea of getting back out into the world from my small, sad, rat shack life will be enough to get/ keep me motivated.

* The Constant Content link is an affiliate link. If you click on it and sign up to be a writer there, and actually sell something, I get 5% of the sale price. It comes out of the portion CC takes, and their commision is the same if you use the affiliate link or not. I haven't actually got anything up (as of Aug 6, 2010), so I can't tell you with any real authority that it works, but there are some pretty happy writers there. It's web content, nothing first person (no "I"), no fiction, no poetry. But it pays much better than textbroker, and you can pick what you write.

That Stuff I Love and How I'll Do More of It

I've been slacking and thinking since Monday, about the stuff that makes me happy. Some of it's easy to do, even with no money- like hiking. Bunches of it takes money though.

So to some degree, to do the stuff that makes me happy I need more money. Or I guess, Any money.

So, stuff that makes me happy, but I haven't been doing-

• playing golf- I love golf. Something about the way the competition is set up. You never really play against other people in golf. I mean, sure, you keep score, and someone wins or loses each hole or round. But in golf the one you really play against is yourself. The quality of your swing, your headspace, your personal best... a nice tee shot... just you, the club, and the ball alone in a field of grass.
• Going fast- Maybe it's an ADD thing, but I love to go fast. In the car, on a roller coaster, in airplanes, on boats. Mainly cars, though. I love knowing the only thing standing between me and near certain death is skill and some rubber. I really want a motorcycle because of this speed thing, but I'm pretty sure that'd be a big ball of death. The very idea terrifies my mother. Somehow that just makes it better.
• Falling from the sky- terrifying, but the rush is... wow. Freefall rides, bungee jumps, skydiving. I've only done one of the three so far, but I want to do the other two. The scare, the rush... Just thinking about it calms a wild spot deep inside me.
• Dogs- The trust even strange, abused dogs give... the way they curl around you. It's something that I love. Without quality dog time I feel like half a person. Of course, dogs don't travel well, and my lease says no pets, so for now I can have no dog. Sometimes, though, I'd like to just be able to bury myself in the middle of a pile of dogs. It's like perfect love.
• Travel- It's scary, and amazing, and cool, and I love it.
• Perching- I love being up high. Roofs are one of my favorite places. The top floors of parking garages, lying back on the ledge, one leg over nothing, one foot on the parking deck. Sometimes I wonder if I'm half cat...
• Live music- Just 'cause
• Not owing anyone anything- I don't just mean money. I mean being totally even, no favors out, no lunch to reciprocate.
• Being around people like me- I don't think this one can ever actually happen.. I've never really met these people. Got close once, but I'm still a bit too crazy for them. Never thought that'd happen....
• Telling stories- Always in my head, somehow when I try to write them down they go wonky.
• having a relationship- Obvious, I'm sure. Partly I miss the physical stuff, but I also miss the general fun, talk-to-someone bits too. And cuddling.
• Seeing a shrink- Crazy, right? There's something about having someone you can tell just about anything that's really relaxing. Makes me happy, even if it doesn't fix anything else. Really, it's someone you can tell all the crap that bothers you, and they have to listen- for 50 minutes a week.
• Sailing- The harmony of sails and wind. Peaceful, terrifying, and it requires skill. There's a definite theme developing here.

I'm sure there are other things- like not living in a rat hole dump. But for now, that's a pretty good list, I think.

So how am I going to do it? That's what I've been thinking on. I want to do it all. Only going halfway to a dream seems like a waste to me, and I've done enough of that so far in life. The best way I've come up with so far is at least as terrifying as jumping out of perfectly good airplanes. The only way I know of to do everything I want in life is to write. Other people have other skills- painting, acting, business. I'm crap at sales, I haven't got the patience to paint (or the skill), and I'm waaaay too happy with my privacy to even think of chasing acting.

But writing I can do. I think. Well enough to make money off revenue share websites, anyway. Really, though, an article sold on one of the content websites is a bucket of balls, or a gallon of gas, or half a concert ticket. The advance on a book is a couple months' living expenses. A month's income from my other blog is a pretty good day in South America or SE Asia. A really crappy article I wrote (in 15 or 20 minutes) earned me enough for 7 ice cold *real sugar* cokes in East Africa.

So golf. I've got clubs, shoes, most of the clothes, a hat (super important), a glove, and enough free balls to keep a high school club going. All I need are green fees and buckets of range balls. the municipal course in Charleston County is $8 after like 4pm, as many holes as you can play until dark. Dunno about buckets of balls, though. $8 isn't much, I bet I could earn that much in an hour or so, just picking up stuff that's easy to write. Enough that I could (should?) be playing a round at least once a week, and hitting at least 2 buckets besides, by the middle of August.

Going fast is going to have to wait- my car is crap, and I can't afford a motorcycle just now. Plus, tickets are spendy. Eventually, though, I think a bike will take care of at least half my need for speed. And if that doesn't work, I can always learn to fly.

skydiving I'm putting on my list of things I want for holidays/ birthday. If no one else will get it for me, I'll get it for myself. I figure even I can come up with $20 a month, once I'm doing that work that terrifies me so much. Bungee is waiting for now. I know where I want to do that, and it's going to have to wait- I'm not ready to go back to NZ yet.

Dogs- I'd love to fix this one by hosting short term fosters, but the lease thing crops up. Not sure why RM#3 gets to have a lizard and I can't even borrow a big ball of cute, but whatever. I'll just have to visit them more. I think I'll work on coming up with extra gas money and offer my dog-ferrying services and crazy dog walking skills to the rescue. That way I get dog time, and they get help with the crazies. Dunno if I'm brave enough to ask if I can help, though....

Travel I want to start in February. I need a new passport and enough income before then that I'm not screwing over everyone I owe money to. I really want to be responsible. I spent the money, I need to repay it. But more than that, I need to travel, see new places, and be that interesting person I am when I don't care what people think about me. I figure I need about $3000 before taxes to keep afloat. More writer-ing, less wimpy fail-fear.

Perching is easy- just get on a roof. Not the roof here, though- I don't trust it to hold me, and who knows what's living in it. I should probably take up climbing, but... not now. Plenty of places to perch downtown, though. I'll just have to go more often.

I have an opportunity to go to a concert at the end of August (Apocolyptica, if anyone's interested) but it's in Atlanta, and it'll probably cost about $400 to go. It wouldn't be so much, but my car is crap, so I'd need a rental, plus gas, plus tickets, and probably a hotel room, since I'm not totally clear on the quality of hostels in Atlanta. It's important to me, though. I want it. I'm going to do it, damn it.

paying everyone off is going to take time. I try not to think about how much time right now, it just sends my stress levels up, and i don't sleep so good, or eat so good, or want to talk to people or bathe when that happens. And bathing and sleep are important. With my student loans in deferral and forbearance, it's like $1400 a month to pay all my bills and live indoors. Payign people back means making more than that.

I think the people like me thing will be solved at some point, but dunno when. Probably the same time I find a relationship that works and am travelling. But I think being in places that people more like me hang out would be a good start- so February when my lease is up I'm working on this one.

Telling stories is more of a way to do everything that makes me happy. It's kinda a all mixed in there deal. Not sure how anyone makes a living off their dreams though. Gotta say, life'd be a lot easier if I were one of those "marry money" type girls....

Relationship will happen if it's going to. I can really only just stop pushing people away so hard, and maybe try to meet people who actually interest me. Hard drinking, hard partying cooks are fun and all, but really not what I'm looking for in life, not even as Mr. Right Nows.

Seeing a shrink is expensive. I think for now I'll just go back to keeping a journal. Worst that could happen is it turning into a big tale of woe. Best that could happen is it makes me feel better. Live with what you got, right?

Sailing- I think this could be the new father/ daughter bonding activity. Hopefully by the end of next month I can start paying him back, and we can do monthly sailing trips. Not big stuff, just like a little rental around the harbor. Eventually, I want my own boat so I can take off to places that feel "right." Some places just *do*.

Um, right... So all of this basically hinges on me making some money. Ok, so it depends on me making what is, for me, a lot of money. I can do it by writing content for the interwebs. I don't want to do that forever, but for now...

I just need to get past the "wow, this is scary, what if I suck" part. But doing scary stuff seems to be something that makes me happy. Jumping off cliffs and seeing what happens works for me. This little, scared life doesn't seem to be working.

Now, to talk myself into really doing it. I'm gonna at least have 2 of those things going by the end of August. If I miss that show, I'll hate myself for at least 6 months.

The only thing holding me back is the same thing that always holds me back- fear. Sometimes I wish I were as ballsy and brave as strangers (and some friends) thing I am. I'd get so much more done. It's tough, though. Really, really tough. At this point, it's do the things that scare me (in a bad way) or miss out on all the things that I love, and waste the rest of my life. That would suck.

So I guess it's time to throw myself out into the abyss and hope I learn to fly before I hit an even deeper bottom than I've found so far.

Random much?

Do More Things that Make You Happy, not Less

Common sense, right?

I've been in a bit of a mood, I guess you'd call it, lately. Trapped, lost, stuck, failing, old, wasted, basically depressed.

It's a good thing my family doesn't read this, actually....

Anyway, I'm not doing things that I know make me happy. Or if not happy, at least better. Things like flying down twisty roads in the dark at two or three times the speed limit. Or sitting on boulders hanging off the side of a mountain and watching the sea in the distance. Or riding roller coasters, or travelling, or even just laying on the beach at night by myself.

All of those are things that make me feel good. I haven't done any of them in years. No wonder I feel trapped.

I spend a lot of time trying to get other people to see that they've done something cool, or that they could catch some dream. I don't know if I don't think I deserve my dreams, or I just think they're too tough, but I spend no time at all talking myself into succeeding.

I realised it yesterday, actually. I was telling a friend that he'd had his writing accepted for pay. He's a professional writer now- he wrote for money. I still don't think of myself that way. I'm not even a "fake" writer, I just don't count it at all. Which is funny, since everything's been accepted so far with no revisions.

So I need to start doing things that make me happy. And I need to earn money. And I need to plan my life so I'm happy. Dave Ramsey might be all about the debt payoff, and that's great.

But I'm not a "get married, have kids, buy house, work, die" kinda girl. If that were my only set of options I'd move die up the list- a lot. So putting off having a life isn't for me. I've been doing it for years now, and I just get more miserable and convinced of my suckyness.

So that's what I'm gonna do- after I create $20 from nothing today, I'm going to make a list of stuff that makes me happy. And I'm going to start working on actually doing some of it. Because I want to be the confident, happy chick strangers see.