I didn't get that article written. I knew what I wanted to write, and i just didn't do it. It could be fear (I'm unusually good at that), it could be laziness (good at that too), or it could be this sort of creeping ennui, in which case I think I'm SOL.

After all, fear can be fixed with a quick trip to the doctor for some tasty valium, a trip to the liquor store for a bottle of something cheap and strong, or the ever popular "finding something worse to fear", which for me usually just makes it doubly unlikely that I get anything done.

Laziness is something I'm working on. I've actually developed and (mostly) stuck to a schedule here and on my food blog, which is quite an accomplishment. I just need to add two or three more things into the mix. I can't say here that i'm going to do something, then not do it because I don't want to.

Heck, most of the time the thing I don't want to do lately is even *interesting*. How often is the thing you have to do *interesting*? Sure, I need to figure out some design stuff, but other than that, this is *fun*. I get to create something from nothing, and because it doesn't otherwise exist, no one can really tell me I'm doing it wrong.

Then, I'm also fighting the new shiny ball problem. I have another idea (or three) that seem like they'd be less work, or more fun, or just different, and I want to do those instead. Pleh.

So how do I think I can work with this? Simple, i'm thinking about taking the weekend off from the internet. I'm sure i'll be twitching by Saturday afternoon, but I don't need internet to write articles for a web site. I can fix them for SEO Monday. I can fix the page itself Monday. But if I'm actually going to get something done, I need a stick to smack me into wandering in the right direction.

My motivation for finding a job is just as low as what I've got for my projects, lower even. I'm applying for jobs that (mostly) don't interest me doing (mostly) things that disgust me, working for companies that I (again, mostly) don't support. I'm sure this has a lot to do with why everything else is all screwy. Maybe I should listen to the roommate and get a paper route. The money really *can't* be any worse than doing nothing, right?

Income, Positive Thinking, and Motivation

Totally linked. My motivation and positive thinking are both low (not as bad as last week, oddly, but yeah, down there), so my income is too.

But even as low as my income is (and it doesn't match my expenses at all right now), it's still something. So I'm gonna work with that.

The last two months I've "earned" enough each month to pay any *one* of my two or three (5?) lowest bills. Now, that's not much in the overall scheme of things, and it's not enough each month for a payout, but it's money I wouldn't have otherwise, and I didn't have to go do some job I hate to get it.

It's a pretty bit deal to me. Of course, I don't know what it says about me that I have 3 or 4 bills that run about $15 a month, but wow.

So with zero motivation, and a deep and abiding belief that I'm a huge pile of FAIL, I manage to invent enough money to pay a bill. What could I do with some motivation? And where do I find it?

Now, normally I'm sure people would say something like "fake it 'til you make it", but the very thought of that makes me want to throw up. And I'm a *really bad* liar. How do you fake wanting to do something anyway?

(Note- this might be part of the reason I'm not one of those settled, grown-up, married people.)

So instead I'm going to set a goal, and not let myself do anything fun until I get the dratted thing done. I'm writing at least the home page for my (sitting there empty and abandoned) website. Before noon. And then I'm damned well putting it up. Even if the theme sucks.

So I guess it's time to decide if I'm using WP or some sort of "real" CMS, huh? But not until after I write the damned article.

Building Something from Nothing- part 5

So I brought in 116 and change so far (plus $5 that went.. somewhere- let's count that for the $3 or4 photo hosting cost me back in march...).

What I've spent so far is $42 for hosting for my shiny new site. It's a work in progress, of course, but it's working...

I've also spent $8.59 on a book for the review site. It's a book I wanted, it just came out, and i really like the author, so I would have bought it anyway. the domain for the review site shouldn't cost more than $7, and it'll be hosted at teh same place as the other site, so the only real expense there (other than time) is the domain and books. hopefully I can make part of that go away pretty quick.

I'm doing pretty good on my adsense goal, I'm right about where i wanted to be, but it's a long month, and plenty can still go wrong.

I need to do a lot of writing, I just haven't yet. I need to write articles for the site, since I've already got something up, and it just looks sad and abandoned now. I also need to write the review for the book I'm reading (which is actually why this is a little late today), so I can get it up on not only my site (which I still need to pick up), but also on the various online book sellers. woot?

So yeah, that's now. Halfway through the month.

This earning money thing is actual work. Who'da thunk it....

Totally spazzed!

Here it is, mid-afternoon, and I just now realized that I never wrote anything over here!

I've been out putting in job applications, and I'm not so good with the total people contact that requires at the moment, so... Yeah.

Otherwise...

There's a place around here hiring women to be nude house cleaners. For 50% of the biled rate, it's not a bad deal, I just don't think I could clean someone's house nekkid. even for $50 an hour. I mean, do you act sexy while cleaning toilets? *Can* you act sexy while cleaning toilets?

So, yeah... Other than that, just basic crap job-o-rama. Stupid SC. Stupid working for WM. Stupid j for working for WM then moving to SC....

Oh well.

Responsibility and Common Sense

They're two things in my life working at cross purposes right now. I *want* to act responsibly and pay all my bills. Right now, though, I can pay *none* of my bills, really. So how do I decide which of my responsibilities I can (temporarily) ditch, and which to keep up with?

It shouldn't be an easy decision, but it really is. Turn in the forbearance paperwork, and put off student loans. If I just don't pay student loans, they garnish wages, and can do any number of bad things to me. By not paying my credit cards, I (really) just trash my credit.

So, as I said. Responsibility or Common sense.

I have no great or immediate need for a good credit score. I don't see me wanting to buy a house any time soon, so there's no need to keep squeaky clean for mortgages. The only thing (other than my incoming calls) that might be effected by forking up my credit by paying credit cards last is my car insurance rate.

It still isn't something I want to do. I don't see me declaring bankruptcy. I can't afford to, it's not at all responsible, and honestly? It'd get rid of less than 1/5th my total debt.

Note to people out there- don't move halfway around the world, take on huge debt, then fork it up and drop out- it's forking expensive and damned near impossible to fix or pay for.

So... Right now I'm focusing on making enough to pay the rent, utilities, and pretty basic life expenses. Srsly. If I think about having to pay the rest of it, my brain tries to explode.

So I need to earn...

• $350 a month for rent
• $20 a month for internet
• $30 a month for food
• $50 a month for gas
• $40 a month for soda
• $20 a month for entertainment
• $40 a month for car insurance
• $50 a month for car fixing

So $600 will keep me fed and indoors. In an ideal world I'd also have $50 for personal random stuff, and $100 for paying back dad.

So my ideal is $750 a month. It shouldn't be this tough to find a $12,000 a year job, but somehow it is.

Anyway- I'm concentrating on surviving for now. I'll fix my credit when I can afford to, sad tho that idea is.

And you have no idea how crappy that makes me feel. Or how freeing it is.

Equipment, or When Paying More Is Worth It

I am not at home this weekend. I'm dog sitting, so I don't have my computer, I have my mother's. It's not as nice, but it was free. It's also about 5 years old.

I could probably make it a worthwhile machine for $30 in RAM. It'd still be slow as all heck, since it's running windows and five years old, but it'd at least be able to keep up with running the OS, virus blocker, and loading web pages without a 20 minute wait.

This wouldn't work for me, though. Loading a page every 20 minutes is great if all you do is read some AOL mail, look at a couple of pictures of puppies, and sign off. I don't do that. I need to upload photos, stream video, and read blogs (I know, strange needs). When there's a 5 minute lag while something's loading to switch between tabs, that's just not gonna work- what I do at home in 20 minutes has taken me about 2 hours so far this morning, and there are no photos getting loaded anywhere.

While I'm here I'm going to pull their computer case open and see what's inside. I might have a few (free, from previous canibal jobs) parts that will speed things up. If not, at least I can see what they've got and point them in the right direction for picking up some things to fix it up a bit. I do most of their "advice" -type stuff already, might as well fix it up so they don't need to call as often.

Really though? To do something on the internet that earns money (or at least doesn't eat your whole day) you need more than they've got. I *could have* done it on my older laptop. It was designed for battery life and not woot 1337-ness, but it was faster, and sometimes a little upgraded- replacing RAM isn't that tough, even on laptops.

When a netbook able to run graphic intensive games is only $350, there's no real excuse to use something that doesn't work right. Sometimes you don't have the cash (that'd be me, now- but the library could fill in here), sometimes you don't know what you're running isn't enough (that'd be this machine I'm typing on now), and sometimes you just don't care (I don't understand this one, but know it exhists).

Really though, plumbers need pipe wrenches, taxi drivers need cars, and people who do stuff on the internet need computers that are able to do more than one thing at a time.

Should have just brought the desktop to begin with- or double checked that I had the power cord for my slow but still faster laptop. Oh well, live and learn and all that. I'll just bring the cord back with the ram.

Start of Month Update- June 2010

Since last month was pretty much full on fail, I've decided to step back and try fewer, easier goals. I have to accept that I'm doing the hugely depressed/ overwhelmed thing right now, and that depression gets some say in what I do.

So, to try and keep it from taking over totally, I'm going to try small goals, and fewer of them. I think having only 4 or 5 goals (or two or three) should help with the feelings of impending *Fail*. After all, if I have 20 goals and meet 3 of them, I Fail 85% of them. If I have 5 goals and manage three, I WIN 60%. Sure, it's a cheat, but I use what I got.

So for goals.

• turn in at least 2 applications every week.
• Leave the house at least 4 days a week (before noon), and talk to at least 1 person each time
• Fill out forbearance paperwork on student loans
• increase daily internet income from 50 cents to 60 cents on average for the month
• write one article for each section of the new website- basics, food, sleep, activities, other fun.

I think I should be able to manage these. They are goals I can (for the most part) control all by myself- daily internet income excepted. I already have the student loan paperwork. I also have an application I need to turn in.

If *this* overwhelms me and I shut down... I dunno what would be next. One goal at a time?

There aren't any real debt or income related goals on there (adsense doesn't count). There's a pretty good reason for that. With nothing coming in, I pretty much totally freak out when I think about money- how much needs to come in, how far behind I am, how long until I don't have to worry about it any more. So I've got goals that (should) eventually lead to bringing in money/ paying debts off, but without the super high pressure/ drama direct goals.

Oh, one other goal-

• Meditate daily

Hey, it works for other people. What's the worst that could happen? I spend time thinking to myself about not being able to stop thinking? I do that when I try to fall asleep. And maybe it'll help me stay calm.

Totally off topic- If I were ever filthy stinking rich, I think it would be a huge pile of fun to have a tardis in the middle of my kitchen. Even if it didn't go any when.