Five Years Ago Today

Five years ago today I was on my way home for an adventure. I was halfway-ish between Wyoming and South Carolina, at a friends home in Kentucky. I had two days until my first wild flight, and the beginning of my first "real" adventure.

Two days later, on the 19th of December, 2005, I took off from Charleston. I spent the night riding the elevated trains in Chicago with the bums, before grabbing a spot at the booking computer in the lobby of the airport Hilton to book myself a spot to sleep the next night.

Five years ago I was wimpy, and scared, and more alive than I'd ever been before. I had almost total strangers telling me what a "ballsy" chick I was, how brave I must be, How they had AIDS in Africa, and I should be careful.

Five years ago I was planning to climb Kilimanjaro. I was going to see Cairo. I was spending a month in Africa, then three weeks at home, then moving *around the world* to chase my dream.

I didn't climb to the top of Kilimanjaro, but it didn't matter. I got extra sleep. I saw Lions and cheetah, and a leopard. Baboons went at it with wild abandon by the side of the road at the entrance to the Ngorongoro Crater. An elephant walked through our camp. We drank beer and roasted bananas, and laughed. I caught Malaria.

I like who I was five years ago. I was proud of that girl. She may have scammed her way into school, but *that* girl, she was going to do well, and ace everything, and live her dreams.

I'm not quite sure where she went. I haven't seen her in probably four and a half years. Back there somewhere, in the last 4 years or so, I let my dreams die. I let them get crushed under reality, and student loans, and debt. Maybe I never was that girl.

I was proud of that girl. I was proud to be her. And if maybe she was a little standoffish, and maybe she hadn't done the *whole* travel the world backpacking thing, I still think she could have been a backpacker.

I think, really, since I came back, I've just been existing. I don't really know what I want. I killed the dream I'd chased for years, probably half or more of my life. RAID kills bugs, I kill dreams.

I don't know really what I want to do with the rest of my life. I just know who I want to be. I want to be that girl who chases her dreams, striking high-fashion poses covered in grime. I want to be proud of me again.

Money Fail

Money for me is kinda a huge vat of fail for now. I'm going to drop this blog for the rest of the year.

I'm mostly glossing over this place now, so it's really no good for anyone.

I'll be back eventually, when I figure out what's up, and where I'm going. Right now, tho- still just "I has no dollars, I owe lots of dollars, life sucks".

No Fun.

Anyway, yeah...

Monday Update and Fast Forward on 2011 Plans

I said I'd get back later, and here I am.

I called the cops on RM1 last night. There has been something building here (with a minor) and while I could ignore it and stay where I am until the end of the lease, I couldn't have ignored it. I'd rather be the bitch that called the cops then the blind fool who let some guy do stuff he shouldn't have. I'd rather be wrong (or too early) calling the cops, then right and ignoring it.

What that means, though, is that I now have a *very* uncomfortable living situation. Even if RM1 doesn't know who made the call yet, he will eventually figure it out. So I'm gone from here at the end of the year.

What that means in real words is that I need to figure out what I'm doing next year- and *next month* now.

I still have really no idea. I can probably sell about 1/2 my crap for cash, and that's something. I can build my internet stuff as fast as possible. I can write articles as fast as I know how.

I still need to know where I'll be on January 5. Where I'm going from there. When I'm moving on, and what I'm doing next year.

My options have been:

1. Go to Mexico, write, maybe teach english.
2. Hike from Georgia to Maine.

The first would mean (probably) leaching off someone for about a month. The second can't really start until the middle of March at the earliest. Which means 2 months or more staying with family. Not cool.

Well, it *could* start earlier, but difficulty, danger, and expense all go up if I start before the middle of March. Everything with that hike gets easier the closer to April I start. I can start earlier by starting farther south, and working my way up to the "official" starting point, but that also adds cost.

Up-front costs for the two are about the same, with hiking being (maybe) a bit cheaper. Family is *probably* a little more comfortable with the idea of me in the US. But there's no real way to earn money actively while hiking, so any money I need I'll either have to already have, or have some way of earning without direct work.

What it really comes down to is that I have one month (instead of two) to build a $500 a month income stream, *and* to earn enough cash to move/ buy what I need. Which is pretty crazy. All while avoiding RM1 and his mother.

I can haz stress?

Life Math and a Short Delay

I need to work some stuff out. Things are happening at home and whatnot that I need to figure out before I can say what I'm doing.

And I need to know what I'm doing before I know what the money really looks like.

So I'll be back later today, hopefully, when I have things set up a bit better. Or at least thought through a bit better.

How My Slacker Attitude is Helping Me Get Stuff Done

Right now I am (still) trying to figure out what I'm doing next year. Am I wandering off into the wilds of Mexico and Central America, or am I going for a really long walk?

I've pretty much slacked this whole year. I'll admit it. I quit my job back in January, and until about two weeks ago had earned maybe $300. All Year.

So I know what doing nothing at all and feeling bad about it looks and feels like. I know what sort of things make me less likely to do something. I know what makes me *more* likely to do something. I also know the idea of daily production at a set rate gives me brain-hives.

As much as writing short articles for $3 each works for other people, and as much as I wish I could pay all my bills writing easy articles forever, I have to accept that I'm just not interested in writing 5000 words a day on office chairs. It's something I've been looking at for a while now, but I've reached the "Start making things happen now, or be stuck here another year" point.

So what have I done? I've:

• signed up at Commission Junction, so when I get my "real" site built I can put something on it. 
• Changed around my other blog, dropping the advertising network I've been using
• worked out an upfront to residual balance that works for me- every article I write for upfront pay, I write one for myself to toss up on hubpages or ezine arts, or my own webpage
• made lists of upfront costs, and what I need to do each of my two surviving plans for next year (bare-bones-style)
• written most of a halfway decent first chapter (longhand), and mentally mapped out where I want those characters to go.
• sketched out three or four new book ideas as they wandered past
• re-set my goals to match what I *really* want and can get now.

Most of that happened since Thanksgiving, so in about a week. Compared to what I've done over the last month, it's really pretty good. I'm also trying not to think about what I *should* be doing. I'm working on setting an alarm, and just doing what I said I'd do for that couple hours. 

Oh, and I've given myself permission to stop writing articles for upfront pay when I have enough to cover the month. So I don't have an endless stretch of 3 dollar SEO articles reaching out before me. As soon as I can pay the rent, put food in my stomach and gas in my car (with some for the tax man, of course), I can stop.

Makes writing them so much easier. Now instead of "Just three more and I don't have to write anymore today" it's "just $30 more and I can stop writing these things for the month." Remarkably motivating.

Which leaves me with my choice for next year. Do I "move" to Mexico, or walk from Georgia to Maine? Mexico will (probably) always be there and it's been on my list for about 10 years. The hiking trip's been on my list (way up near the top) since I was probably 14, so over half my life now. It will, of course, also be there later. But will I be interested in taking the time to do it later?

Either way, I need about $500 a month coming in without any real direct work from me. And *that's* what's really motivating me right now. Back to work time.